Quarantine is Just What Your Dumb Ass Needed


Here, I am gonna do a quick impression of all Americans over the last forty years:


Now I am gonna do a quick impression of Americans in 2020:


Does that simple two tier impression tell you anything about yourself?

You are a wickedly unhappy person who complained about something until you got it, and now you are complaining you got it. The grass is always greener on the other side of, despite the fact that the other side is where the dog is shitting, right?

Well, now you have shit on your shoe and have stood on both sides of the fence.

Now tell me, which one was better?

Now let’s explore that question a little deeper, shall we?


To Shift Your Passive Aggressive Existence

This is the major problem with all humans in 2020. Anyone can see that in the last half decade, people have become incredibly self righteous and incredibly combative. Where once we lived in a world that was ripe for discussion and debate about differing points of view, now we live in a world of right or wrong. There is no middle ground anymore. No soft spot for both parties to meet up on and work out their differences.


Now it is: I am right and you are wrong. 

And that is a REAL problem when both sides are saying it, nothing is actually being said. 

The FIRST thing this quarantine did was show all the miserable fucks who permeate social media and Earth in general just how good they had it. HAD being the keyword. This will come up later, too, and more in depth. That said, you needed this quarantine to kick you in your pockmarked ass. To show you that maybe, just MAYBE, it was a good time to enjoy your life and not find problems with every single that happened or that someone said, but that is how you all chose to live it.

So life locked you down to show you just how good you all had it, but were too goddamn self important to notice.

You know another reason you needed this quarantine?


To Remind You That You are Mortal

Have you all ever noticed that self entitled people make up suicidal hobbies? Let me give you an example. 

One day, some guy was sitting around, and decided it would be fun to throw himself out of a plane with a piece of folded up fabric in a backpack to slow the fall and defy death at the last minute.

And another person, miles away, decided:

Hey, you see that scary ass mountain? Well, I am gonna go climb it with no straps or support of any kind except chalk on my hands for kung-fu grip.

You all needed this quarantine to quell your weird, Suicidal pastimes. 

That weird guy at the circus who enjoys juggling chainsaws? Same thing.

People who do mixed martial arts? Same thing.

They are all incredibly fancy ways to fuck up your life if you do them wrong.

Sure, you can call all the above things by fancy sport names if you like, but don’t put lipstick on a cow thinking it is no longer a cow.

These people are all passively suicidal, and even though they all flirt with death to get that “adrenochrome” kick, they still clearly passively hate themselves and wanna secretly die.Yet, they also seem to have this weird feeling that they CANNOT die. After countless close calls received through their suicidal hobbies, they think they are some kind of golden god who can defy basic laws like gravity.

Those cats needed this quarantine to show them that they can, indeed, die, and it can actually be from something they didn’t CHOOSE to do to pass the doldrums of their dead lives.

All I am saying is, don’t be surprised if all those “extreme sports” freaks you know suddenly pick up sewing instead when this whole thing is over. Staring death in the face can really put life in perspective.

But you know who has it the worst, yet really needed this…


All the Folks in Denial About Their Failing Relationships

Yes, you! *Points at you.

I am not trying to be a dick here, but like, I am not NOT trying, either. Sometimes you gotta be a dick to make a solid point.

When failing couples work 40-60 hours each a week, it gives them respite. A moment to catch their breath in between the constant day and nights of sexless arguing. And in those moments apart, they could miss each other and be quitely reminded of why they fell in love with that person, giving them just enough of a nudge to stay another week.

Week after week, for infinity.

But that is over now.

I am not exaggerating when I say a HUGE number of friends of mine have hit me up about relationship problems since this thing has started. The stress of not being able to give each other any space is really amping up problems people may have had before the quarantine.

But I can tell you why this is good, though it may not feel it.

Struggling to tread water in a toxic relationship will kill you. It really will.

It will strip of your pride and dignity, and in the end, will only make you more of a monster.

At least this quarantine can force some toxic couples to lock themselves down and really examine why it might not be working, and if something should be done about that.

Or it will make you two fight to the death, which is a pretty terrifying reality we may have to face when this thing ends.

But really, it can give you a chance to be honest with yourself and others, and in the end, that can make a much healthier you. It may suck now but this situation may be saving your life in the long run.

Okay, let’s circle back around and wrap this thing up, my chest hurts and I can smell almonds, I read somewhere that can be a pretty bad sign.



Seriously, doesn’t this quarantine show you how petty you were? How you wish you visited your parents more. How you wish you had been more friendly with co-workers. How you wish you said YES on those few occasions when you said NO for no good reason. 

But you can’t go back in time to when you had it SO GOOD but had no clue and took that shit for granted.

Hell, you even took your health for granted, and that could be taken from you now in a moment’s notice with no warning.

Welcome to 2020, the year that humbled 98% of America.

And killed the remaining 2%.

SPOILER ALERT: This shit is gonna get a lot worse before it gets any better. So even right now you have it better than you will have it two months from now. Dwell on that for a bit.


Featured image by Denise Krebs via Flickr.