Son, let’s have a little talk.

At some point in your life, you will feel the urge. You’ll be swept away by the heat of the moment. Buck naked, lights turned down low, Prince’s “Sexy Motherfucker” playing in the background. Heavy breathing and heavy touching. You’re both sweating, the panties are off — there’s no going back.  You will fuck authority.

A job. A boss. An organization. A corporation. A career.

Sexy as hell and knows it. Authority has the benefit of dollars, the sanction of public opinion, and thousands of years of tradition on its side. It’s got charts and graphs and cool sleek ads. Its words fill your screens. Its thoughts have become your own thoughts. Authority shakes its ass in front of the camera because it owns Instagram, Facebook and Twitter and craves attention.  You will succumb.

You’ll wake up one morning in bed, cuddling with a cup of coffee. Accept that. But make sure to always use protection. Here is your protection.

No Means Yes

Right from the start you should know that when it comes to authority, no means yes. Authority is persistent.   It doesn’t take no for an answer. It’s authority’s way or the highway. If you want to remain in the proper relationship to authority you should understand that you will be forced at times to do things that you don’t necessarily believe in. In fact, you might even have to do things you absolutely don’t believe in. If it gets to this point in any job or authority-based relationship, you might have to make a choice. The thing you should know is that under authority, no means yes.

You will put up with a lot of shit.

Your boss, your employees, your customers. Someone is guaranteed to give you shit. You must suck it up and smile. If you say no, when a yes is required, you will find yourself out of a job and/or ostracized by said authority. The only way out is to get out.

fuck authority

If you decide to go this route, you won’t be alone. More and more people are quitting their jobs. According to OC Tanner Research, employee quits have risen every year since 2010. Of that number, 79% of employees quit their jobs because of lack of appreciation. 65% of employees claim that they weren’t recognized even one time last year. 82% say their employer doesn’t recognize the value they bring. 60% say they are motivated by recognition rather than money.

Understand this. If recognition and appreciation are your motivating factors for fucking authority, you’re confused. A rude awakening is on the way.

If you do decide to go the safe route, abstinence, you should do it like anonymous employee VictorBlimpmuscle. In a Buzzfeed interview this person said it went down  like this:

“When I was in college, I waited tables at a restaurant that was open on Thanksgiving – after I had already worked the lunch shift (covering for someone who took off for the holiday), I was ready to finish my shift and head out so I could have Thanksgiving dinner with my family when my manager informed me that they were going to need me to cover dinner shift too because one of the older waitresses called out (probably to spend thanksgiving with her family). When I told him I had plans already, he said I needed to cover the shift since I had the least seniority and “they wouldn’t need someone who isn’t a team player” (implying I’d be fired) if I didn’t cover it. I told him “I don’t need this job that much to miss Thanksgiving dinner with my family” and handed in my apron and left and never returned.”

The Pull Out Method

It is tempting to think that you can fuck authority, yet remain unfucked by authority. Realize this. There is no fucking if no one is getting fucked and no one is doing the fucking. You probably want to enjoy all the perks of the relationship with authority, but suffer none of the negative consequences. This works for some of the people some of the time. But it doesn’t work for all of the people all of the time.

If you want to play you have to pay. You must do many of the following.

  • Wear a suit
  • Cut your hair
  • Stop wearing clothes you like so you can project a certain image
  • Get rid of a piercing
  • Pretend to agree with things you don’t

You will do all of this because you want to fuck authority. Or, maybe you’d rather yell “fuck authority” at the top of your lungs, and shove a middle finger in the air while spilling the contents of your desk onto the floor. No can do, son.

Always Use Protection

If you’re going to get intimate and up close with authority, you’re going to need protection. Authority makes the rules. It also changes the rules, bends the rules and breaks the rules if there is a dispute.

Human beings have always had to carry swords, guns and baseball bats in order to protect their rights as workers. You know why? Because fuck authority. It will exploit you like this:

  • Sudden changes in schedule
  • Get no vacation
  • Late payments
  • Not paid for overtime
  • You are assigned jobs for which you aren’t qualified
  • Your boss is talking to you exclusively formal
  • Your boss doesn’t ask for your opinion

These are first world problems. Don’t let me even get started on the third world problems that folk have with authority. You must protect yourself with knowledge. If you fuck authority or fuck with authority, you should probably know that you have these rights:

  1. An employer is required to pay workers the minimum wage for least 3 hours for any shift, regardless of hours actually spent working. Even if you were sent home early because there was not enough work to do, you are still entitled to $10.20 x 3 hours = $30.60
  2. You have the right to reject any work not deemed safe for you or your co-workers, and poses a threat to you. The occupational health and safety laws prevent employees from getting in trouble with their bosses if they are presented with an aberrant nature of job.
  3. Most employees are conditioned to believe they are in for a salary deduction for broken items or shortages at the cash counter. However, your boss is not at liberty to deduct from your wages for any faulty workmanship or broken items, if anybody else had access to it.
  4. Once you have worked for the same organization for 12 months, you are entitled to paid vacation leaves, regardless of whether you are employed full-time.
  5. Your employer is responsible for your job safety and should ensure appropriate safety equipment is available at the workplace and employees know how to use it, lest an emergency arises. Safety equipment that prevents breathing hazards and noise levels exceeding legal limits must be supplied by the employer.
  6. The workplace should be purged of discrimination and harassment and all employees should be treated justly, irrespective of race, color, gender, religion, ancestry, nationality, age, language, marital status, social status and sexual orientation.
  7. Employers are required to accommodate employee’s special needs if they fall under the Human Rights acts, including any mental or physical disability.
  8. It is against the law for an employer to hire an individual on any wage lower than the minimum wage, even if the employee consents to it.
  9. If an employee works for more than 8 hours a day, they are entitled to overtime pay.
  10. Know that you are being protected by the law. If your employer violates your rights, you have the right to file complaints without the sword of getting fired hanging over your head.


Have a Baby Together Already

Authority is not always the villain though. Think about it. Probably about every single thing you like about your life is created by authority.

Every meaningful friendship or amazing experiences you’ve ever had has been the result of a framework provided by some sort of authority. For example, let’s say you enjoy snowboarding. Your snowboard was constructed and regulated within certain parameters. All the employees that make your board, your wax and your helmet are the result of a system of requirements, laws and rules. People who have power and money bought the land, developed it, and designed the ski lifts to take you safely to the top of the mountain in a matter of minutes. That didn’t happen by accident. It takes a whole network of relationships based on authority, rules and structure.

Some of the most amazing things have been created have been done with the sanction and sponsorship of authority. Do you like personal computers, cell phones, refrigerated food and hot water? Thank authority.

Don’t fall into the trap of blaming authority for everything horrible. In fact, an interplay between liberty and authority can be a healthy dance. As John Stuart Mill said “the struggle between liberty and authority is the most conspicuous feature of the portions of history with which we are most familiar.”

Trust me, you’ll become intimately familiar with this interplay. It will get heated and strong emotions will arise. You will get swept away.

Go ahead. Fuck authority. Fuck with authority. But always use a condom.


Featured image by: Thad Zajdowicz — Flickr.