A new study has confirmed what we have always known to be true. You are high right now. The evidence was obtained in a lab and this lab is located in this very location. In fact, you and I are here right now. You’re sitting at a table across from me. I have a mountain of evidence, so don’t bother lying — you’re stoned AF.

How else would the following be true?

You know how to keep your thumb fixed firmly over your bowl while you’re lighting it. You know how to inhale a little while the carb is blocked, then remove your thumb. You know how to pull it in until you feel it in your lungs. The magic number for a solid weed hit, it’s obvious to you, is three seconds. Witnesses testify that you are constantly talking about William Randolph Hearst and the hemp conspiracy. Evidently Bob Marley being buried with his guitar, a bible and some bud — well, that just rolls off your tongue.

How else would you know these things if you’re not a stoner?

The study was conducted one individual who was in police custody. That would be you. Is this making sense?

I’m going to ask you a few questions and I want you to answer truthfully. Do you feel as though I might be actually talking to you right now through the computer? Have you been hacked by a Russian bot? Am I watching you right now? Are you focused on my every word, wondering exactly where this is going? I don’t want to make you paranoid, but the facts are starting to add up.

It is common knowledge that Marijuana is the most common legal drug in The United States. According to the Bureau of Information Like Stuff You Know, approximately 100 million Americans have tried marijuana at least once, and more than 25 million have smoked it in the last year.

high right now

This pic looks pretty dope, right?

This means that you could easily be one of those people. We know that. There are cameras everywhere these days. Think to yourself. Have I ever smoked weed in a public place? And did one of those cameras happen to catch you smoking at some point or other?

The record is there. This evidence can and will be used in a court of law. It is already in our database, and guess what. That’s why the cops entered your apartment without knocking and cuffed you and brought you here to me.

Data strongly suggests that you are high right now. So, when you sit there in that chair and look at me, what do you think? Do you think we are going to arrest you? Or do you think  we’re going to say “Right on, man! We’re high right now too!”

I’ll leave that up to you.

Here’s the kicker: During the 1940s the Office of Strategic Services found that cannabis could be used somewhat effectively as a truth serum. They found that it didn’t compel people to tell the truth. But it did make them relaxed, high and distracted. This proved to be useful enough to make it a tool for interrogators.

So the fact that you’re high right now. Well, that just makes my job easier, doesn’t it?

“During the 1940s the Office of Strategic Services found that cannabis could be used somewhat effectively as a truth serum.”

I can see the lightbulb go on in your head. Your gaze floats away. Your mind wanders and you start laughing. You laugh so hard you might actually sustain internal injuries.

high right now

Based on this pizza, you’ve got the munchies.

You wonder why that is. Why am I laughing? You go to Google and that shit blows your mind. You’re like way out there man, and then you come back to reality. But then you start wondering what reality truly is. Is reality a computer simulated game made up thing by an alien intelligence? This is what you’ve thought before. On more than one occasion.

And just for the record, you already ate the two boxes of donuts I offered. In fact, I bet you’re hungry for more. Take a look at this pizza. You have the munchies right now, don’t you?

I’ll tell you what. You can have that whole pizza if you just fess up to the truth.

You’re high, bro. The facts do not lie.


Red chair pic by: Dean Hochman.

Pizza pic by: Zack Middleton