Let’s ASSume: What does your porn preference predict about you?

Warning: I have no idea what the fuck I am talking about. I have not studied anything on sociological conduct in premenopausal women, or common sexual blah blah blah behaviors in status quo deviants or the long-term addictive effects on the psyche of regular pornographic viewership. I’m theorizing in this article, as I am want to do, for shits and giggles, so I hope that you are offended royally by what I say but still, in the end, enjoyed reading it. Yes, ASSume is capitalized that way for a reason.

Hypothesis: People prefer a certain kind of pornography that gives them what they don’t have in real life and reflects back who they really are in relationships. You can ask a person on a first date what kind of porn they like and know whether or not you need to skip dessert and get right to it, or if you need to escape to the bathroom before the 2 for 1 appetizers arrive.
Let me use myself as an example to test-

What I like to watch: Gay Porn. Sleeping Sex. White Guys Giving Black Women Oral.

Who I am as a person: I’m a rude 42-year-old, happily single, Heteroflexible Black Woman poet who has a crush on the character Jon Bender and anyone that Henry Cavill plays and I own 3 vibrators and a 12-inch double sided gel dildo. It’s pink.

Why my porn preferences are essentially me in a nutshell:
I’m power hungry, avoidant and apparently a” jungle fever enthusiast”.
It totally makes sense that I would watch what I watch on Red Tube and Porn Hub. I like the Gay porn because I like penises. Vaginas and breasts are wonderful but I have them under my clothes so it doesn’t keep me as interested to watch them bouncing around. I like Sleeping Sex Porn because probably deep down I want to be accepted how I am without being asked to change for anybody at all, not even waking up for them. If they love me, then they do, raw state and without condition regardless of reciprocity. Clearly I am an asshole. I like White Guy on Black Woman Head Porn because although in real life skin tone is not a typical choice I make consciously in partners but I like Rock Music more than any other genre and I like partners who can tolerate my drinking and smoking and air guitar playing and constant head banging. They tend to have fairer complexions so far. I also like the power of looking down on someone while they please me because based on where I live in the world and the century that I live in, I know that a human hued and genitaled like me doesn’t have that power in real life.

Proof: My most recent ex is a long haired bearded younger than me lead singer in a rock cover band who couldn’t keep his mouth to himself for more than 30 minutes at a stretch. I made him grow his hair out, dyed it black and got him the gig by making an issue that if he loved me, then he would use his ability to sing before he loses it. We broke up because he wanted to be in control and have a corny Midwestern relationship and that I could not abide. (I already said that I am an asshole.)

If we can ASSume that based on what I prefer to watch determines my personal sexual and relationship dysfunction, then let’s infer what the following 10 types of pervy picture patrons are probably tuning into…

 

  1. You’ve never had sex before in your life: Late Night Soft Core Porn on Cinemax
  2. You never get to have sex anymore: Regular Vanilla Missionary Sex Porn and Viagra Commercials
  3. You’ve been abused by an authority figure: MILF porn, Uniforms, BDSM porn, Hardcore, Gangbangs
  4. You want to abuse other people now: Little People Porn, BDSM porn, Teacher Student Porn, Toilet Camera porn
  5. You cheat on your taxes: Porn Stars Masturbating, Money Shots, Collegiate Lesbian Group Torture Porn, old dude on young chick porn
  6. You smoke a lot of weed: Porn with storylines, sequels and vibrant soundtracks, Oedipal Porn, Celebrity porn
  7. You drink a lot of alcohol: Violent Porn, To Catch a Predator Episodes, Girls gone Wild
  8. You need real therapy with a professional for the rest of your adult life: Bestiality, Pederasty, Fecal/Urine, Rape, Priest/Nun, Snuff
  9. You’re a Porn Star: Your own films, Congressional Senate Hearings
  10. You have a very high or very low IQ: Bush porn, 70’s porn, Amateur Porn, Shower Porn, Disappearing non- sexual object porn

Start asking people what they like to watch. See if it fits. I’ll bet good money that it tracks.

Summary: We can ASSume whatever we want to about one another but like me, you’re no experts. And nobody does reading what humans hide better than pimps- I mean, advertisers. They see us at our very basic and market to our anxieties and we buy better versions of ourselves without question. We fulfill everything that we lack as human beings in what we opt to purchase. Pornographers are sellers to consumers too and trust me, they must have a model that works in the very same way as the pimps- damnit, the advertisers! If you say that you don’t watch porn at all, then why do you even have the internet and keep deleting your browser history when your kids want to play Candy Crush? Stop lying. Knowing yourself, and why you do the things that you do and like the things that turn you on, in my opinion, is the best way to find partners who compliment and complement the actual you. Basically, I’m a horn dog and you’re a horn dog, so we’re all hard-wired horn dogs, none better than the last! Does that mean anything about who we all really are under what we pretend to be in public? Of course, it does. Humans as a species are completely closeted perverts with lots of dysfunctional issues that rear their ugly heads in our behavior and entertainment decisions every day.   But my only hope for mankind is that we forgive one another our predictions if we are not hurting ourselves or others and let not our disgusting desires to jerk ourselves silly dissuade us from being good and kind to one another especially when were fully dressed! – And if anyone reading this actually knows Henry Cavill, hook me up.