Ghosting Mrs. Robinson: How to ditch that Cougar w/a Crush
Oh, my little pumpkins, I am sure that you have missed me while I was away! I have just recently returned from a ridiculously fun and purposely short lived whirlwind romance with an Abercrombie cabana boy du jour! No, I absolutely do not have one ounce of remorse, shame or regret for being party to this little May/December tryst and quite frankly, it was kind of a delicious exercise in rites of passage for us both. Now that my own child is nearly grown and I am happily divorced I realized that I didn’t have close to the confidence and security in my body and mind that I do now. Lately, every little jean jogger pant wearing cutie pie that I see looks like a delicious Hostess snack cake and fortunately to them I look like a sexy sage schoolteacher who has afterhours lessons to teach and doesn’t want anything else from her student besides his time. Somebody has got to teach them so I consider it a public service, if I’m honest. These things end as they should when the novelty wears off but what if the baby baller wanted out before that? I wonder what it would have been like had this flesh fest encounter continued passed Baby Drake’s expected expiration date? What would Mr. New Booty say if he needed to assist a friend in ending to a doomed dalliance and wanted to share a fool proof speedy exit plan?
I feel like there is yet another way that I can help. This article is written in what I assume to be millennial male bro-speak. I am not a man, so I am using language that I have overheard from males in the age range (20-26). Excuse any misuse of the vernacular and copy the steps if they apply…
#CuffingSeason is upon us, man.
All summer you been cuddled up with your cougar but winter is coming, son, #GOT. When it gets down to pulling young birds you need to have one in your pocket before Halloween or you’ve got no chance until next year. You know what it is, right, you can’t show up at Thanksgiving with a chick that’s a year older than your momdukes. (Wink wink, nudge nudge) #noturkey #juststuffing. Yeah, she got moves like #jagger and she keeps your ego on a thousand, that’s what’s up, playboy, so high five on the Demi Moore make out sessions man but you need to #getyourAshtonKutcherOn before it’s too late. So if you want to ghost your golden girl for greener pastures just being like I’m done ain’t gonna work, god. You actually have to make her think that getting rid of you is her idea. This way, if you hit her up next summer, fucking with you again will seem like it’s her idea too. #church (Insert winky face emoji).
Here’s what you gotta do, B, in no particular order (except the last one, that last one is your last resort but could pay tenfold!) #Vegas
Move to India
This is your first and best option bruh but like, you ain’t got no money to be globetrottin’ or your ass would have been gone #backpacking after session one so don’t try this unless point number four works out really fucking well for you and you can afford it. #readon
All chicks, no matter what age they are, have body problems. And their biggest one is being fat. But don’t say she’s fat ‘cause remember, you might need this hook up again next year. Naw, say that you are the fat one, son. Every time you look at yourself talk about how big and nasty you are, even if you lift. This will make her see that you are completely immature and too much trouble to deal with. Don’t nobody fatter than you with an old ass body, want to hang around with someone who thinks they are overweight when they clearly have a six pack from the gods and a rock hard ass that you could bounce bitcoin off of. She’ll try to tell you that you look good a couple of times, but if you keep running with this sappy shit, she’ll be like okay, he got low self-esteem and is obviously delusional, so if he is fucking with me he either thinks I have bad taste or low self-esteem myself. Or he’s trying to get rid of me. Either way-Uh, Bye. #easy #lightwork
Cougars ain’t looking for husbands. They are looking for somebody they can post on their Instagram and feel young again. If you had beat around the bush or tried to get to know her instead of just asking to smash you wouldn’t have even gotten this far. She know what men want and how they behave since she been at it for decades, so flip the script. All you gotta do is act like you love her. She gone think it’s cute puppy love at first and try to check you but don’t let up. Now be careful af because playing like this could cause you to actually catch feelings and shit by accident. Ask her where she is all the fucking time, act like you gone cry when she says you gotta go, tell her she reminds you of your mom. Then start leaving shit at her pad, your toothbrush, drawls, your PlayStation. And when you come over, jack off beforehand and just play your Madden and then go to sleep, #nosex. She gone be like, who the fuck does this boy think that he is? He can’t live here rent free! His dick ain’t even all that! (They always say that tho, even if it really is all that). She’ll dismiss your ass so fast she won’t even miss a commercial break of that Law and Order Marathon you always catch her watching. Plus, this way, she can tell her friends that you got too clingy and they gone drink wine in they yoga pants and “laugh cry” to help her get over your crazy behavior,r guaranteed. #caseclosed
Get Yo Chips
Be a whore. Yep, it’s hard to do at first but like, just randomly ask for money. She is already uncomfortable at the prospect of fucking with you anyway and if you throw in that you need gas money, or a new phone charger or any other such bullshit nonsense, you won’t get much further than the front door- and if you do this chick is most certainly going to kill you and bury you in her garden under the petunias #brocemetary. Of course if she gives you any loot take it but don’t buy her shit with it or anything. Keep going up with the amounts until it gets to a dollar figure she is unwilling to split with someone who ain’t a long-term partner. She already doesn’t think as highly of you naturally as she would a man her own age so if you turn around and act like you got mommy issues with no money on top of it, then it seems like incest, and most people aren’t really into that. See point number one if you get enough to run tho. #whatsinyourwallet
Start slipping in old jokes. The shit ain’t funny to her at all because it eats her up that there is a 20 year age gap and you don’t know no Chaka Khan songs, you never heard of The Electric Company and the only presidents you know are Bush and Obama. She is proud of how long she has survived and how well she has maintained, so you will lose out on all kinds of treats trying to convince this sexy bad bitch that she looks like your nana. She is gonna get real fed up with this kind of commenting faster than probably anything on this list. You won’t get a snapchat from her in no time.
You used to come over between 11 PM and 4 AM right, okay, well now when you come over, never come alone. Older women will always be very specific about what they want and don’t want. They shouldn’t have to tell you that they want to be alone with just you. Whelp, simply bring your homie to play PlayStation with you next time you breeze through, or better yet bring a chick she doesn’t know who just happens to be on meth and is DTF. Be careful with this one too because if you do this type of shit you might get blocked before next summer or low key arrested for trespassing. On the flip, if she is always cool with whoever you bring, bruhhhh don’t even worry about her. No need to ghost. She sees all this shit for what it is and ain’t gonna miss ya ass at Christmas no way, trust. She kinda crazy tho.
Out of the blue just be a gay dude. Yeah, just be like you like dudes and she gone feel some kind of way. If you say you’re bisexual she might still be down but if you go all out and lie and say that you prefer men, she will pack the strap-on up into the closet the next day and hug your young fine ass goodbye. See, she wants you to be happy, and if she knows that what she has to offer ain’t gonna make that so, she is going to encourage you to go out and find the man of your dreams. If you fucked her right though just change your mind next summer. Only problem with this one, is its only gonna work, once.
Crush on her offspring
And last but not least, the classic, fall in love with her daughter. If her daughter is banging and your age, you know what to do. Stella can’t get her groove back with you this #cuffingseason if you’re already #netflixandchilling with her child. And if you don’t know why this is a classic move, just stream The Graduate on Amazon or something. There are step by step instructions on how to proceed right there in the flick. She probably saw that shit in the theatre so she will obviously recognize this tactic, straight up, like right away. #Bonus. Plus, if it works out, boom, you got #cuffingseason handled with a one two punch.
You’re welcome boys,
Your Friendly Neighborhood Big Cat