Am I Ready To Be A Parent?

“Woe to the land that is governed by a child.”

–William Shakespeare, Richard III

Sure, having a child is an amazing way to lose your own identity, but are you really ready to raise a small version of yourself?  You should know by now that, contrary to all of your friends’ Facebook posts, having a child is not all Pintrest-y birthday parties and cute moments posing with puppies.  All of that is bullshit propaganda introduced by your miserable friends who simply want you to be as miserable as they are.

For those in the trenches, child raising is a sleepless marathon accomplished wearing food-stained pajamas to Parent-Teacher meetings, followed immediately by copious amounts of cheap wine.  Children are rarely puppy-picture adorable and are clearly sent here to terrorize innocent parents.

These short leaches further attempt to drain your soul through a series of random inquiries designed to make you question whether you ever read a book or attended school.  Most importantly, your children will ask these questions in rapid succession, at bedtime, after a long day of leading you down the road to insanity.  They are questions that Must-Be-Answered or they will refuse to go to sleep and give you the only peace you’ve known all day.  I’m providing you this list so that you can prepare ahead of time.  Thank me later.

Questions You Must Be Able To Answer At Bedtime If You Have Kids


  1. What’s the tallest building in the world?
  2. Why are lobsters red?
  3. Why can’t I have another glass of water?
  4. Are there ghosts in the house?
  5. What is the meaning of life?
  6. Which is meaner: an alligator or a shark?
  7. Would you rather be eaten by a lion or another person?
  8. Why can’t I sleep in your bed?
  9. Why are cats so bendy?
  10. How many bones does a hippo have?
  11. Why can’t I watch [insert very adult movie that has a lot of graphic sex, bad words, and violence]?
  12. If I save my allowance, can I buy an airplane?
  13. Why does the cat hate the dog?
  14. What’s your favorite World War II battleship?
  15. Why are you hitting your head on the wall, Mommy?
  16. What’s the fastest animal in the world?
  17. Are aliens real?
  18. How much money do you have?
  19. What is the difference between sirloin and ribeye?
  20. Why does red and blue make purple?

Featured image by Upsilon Andromedae — Flickr.