Things That Still Aren’t Worse Than Your Ex


“The course of love never did run smooth.”

–William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream


Maybe the sex was fantastic.  Maybe it was the way he obsessively paid attention only to you.  Maybe you were drunk.  Regardless, there are some relationships we’ve been in that leave us (and everyone else) asking, “What were you thinking?”  These are the relationships with the Nightmare Person.

Everyone’s Nightmare Person is different.  For some, the N.P. didn’t start out as an N.P., but gradually achieved N.P. status over time.  For others, we knew right from the start that this person was crazier than a box of kittens and Ginsu knives.  The reasons we stayed are immaterial: love, companionship, money, guilt, and most importantly, fear.  But now that you’re successfully out of the relationship with the N.P., you can take the time to reflect on exactly how much crazy you were willing to put up with—and decide what level of crazy is tolerable for your next relationship.

While you are evaluating which nutty behaviors are worse than others, you can be sure that there are still some things that your Bag of Crazy N.P. ex will never be better than.  So here is a list of things that still aren’t worse than your ex.  Enjoy!

Not Worse Than Your Ex:

  1. A big box of nothing wrapped as a birthday present.
  2. Stubbing your toe.  Hard.
  3. Hiccups all day.
  4. Seeing Santa actually fuck your mother.
  5. Having to sneeze but not being able to sneeze.
  6. Spilling your last beer after a shit day.
  7. Your phone dying during a telephone job interview for a job you really need.
  8. Realizing your roommate ate your leftovers that you were jonesing for all day.
  9. Needing to poop urgently when there is only an ancient port-a-potty available.
  10. Running out of weed when your only hookup is out of town.
  11. Finding cat vomit on your bed.  After you get in bed.  And you don’t have a cat.
  12. Getting to the bank to cash your paycheck 5 minutes after it closes.  On a holiday weekend.
  13. Arriving home to find out the fries you ordered aren’t in your fast food bag.
  14. Your mom only calls when you’re masturbating.
  15. The 350lb upstairs neighbor pretends he is Lord of the Dance.  Every night.
  16. During the last 45 seconds of The Big Game/Season Finale, your television dies.
  17. A pipe bursts in your bathroom and floods your bedroom.
  18. Rescuing a kitten only to find out the hard way that it’s a baby skunk.
  19. Checking your credit score.
  20. Seeing your creepy uncle’s profile on Tinder.

Featured image by TimAlosi.com via Flickr.