“Excuse me miss but DAMN… you’re SO sexy…”

Well that’s nice, right?

Maybe, if you only ever hear that once in a blue moon. Maybe, if you happen to be wearing a negligee that you couldn’t fit into two months ago. But when you’re at a stop light, is it a compliment then? When you walk into a bar after a hard day and just want a beer, is it a compliment then? Is it a compliment when the same person says to three people before you, “you are so beautiful,” or “girl, you are ridiculously pretty” and then when they get to you, “hey, sexy”?

Let me preface what I am about to say with I am completely petty. I know that with all of the horrors and atrocities that take place every day and go unchecked toward women and children, semantics don’t usually rate on the radar as issues to be addressed. Actually, there probably are a lot of my older sister friends who don’t mind that every time they are described to someone they are referred to as sexy. But they’re in their 70’s.

What if you aren’t trying to be sexy?

What if you just have on sweat pants, just back from a run and the comment is “you’re so sexy” from the guy that you’re buying an energy drink from at the bodega?

Am I sexy stranger, because I’m sweating bullets right now, in no makeup and I smell like an onion?

It gets to be a drag after awhile, trust me, especially when it’s the only word that people can think of to describe you, ever.


Well, isn’t that great, girl, look at you, you look sooooo fuckable, right now, congrats!

I know that men have been getting off for thousands of years on this caveman bullshit; that they are too stupid to remember anniversaries or that they are visual and vulgar and the rest of us need to accept it. But if that were the case, and we thought that they were incompetent boobs in general, why would we let them run anything? Well, I’ll tell you why. Because that excuse is a complete crock. Men remember phone numbers, dates, places, smells and everything else.They know where home is, who they love and what they want. And they go after it fervently. So it’s irresponsible to allow them an excuse to be sexual harassers–you know good and damn well it’s not okay to pinch a co-worker or stalk an ex. Yet as a society we spend 100% of our time trying to convince women to be demure and 0% of our time trying to convince men to do better.

Telling some woman that you don’t know that she is sexy isn’t illegal or even considered harassment. And like I said, I’m petty AF but having been the recipient of this for more than 25 years, it leaves a nasty taste in your mouth. Is “sexy” the shortened version of “have sex with me”?

And what are you going to do to me IF I DON’T SAY THANK YOU TO THIS SHIT?? Are you saying that I am sexy because you hope that I will do a kitten purr, crawl over to you and quote Mae West?

There is a difference when someone is clearly trying to be provocative, and when someone is merely existing and not attention seeking. What is happening is that these men think that being called ‘Sex on tap’ should be flattering to me– the same way that they say stupid shit like, “You look so young for your age” Excuse me sir, are you saying that I look like walking statutory rape?

It isn’t flattering, jack-ass, because sexy is never interchanged with fabulous, glamorous, gorgeous, beautiful or pretty. And usually what happens after this pseudo-compliment is a well-deserved eye roll from the recipient, quickly followed up with how that man really feels.


It can get a little scary sometimes, guys. Seriously.

What sexy means is that when you look at me, you want to stick your dick inside of me.

Sexy and pretty are not the same thing.

Here’s how I know: Dudes, have you ever seen your mother or sister and said, “Hey mom, you’re looking mighty sexy today”?

(For the few of you that have done this, feel free to seek help)

No, you haven’t. Well they not? Surely she is looking fantastic, right? But you don’t call women that you care about and THAT YOU ARE NOT SLEEPING WITH, “sexy.” If for no other reason but respect. If she looks nice you’d say anything else in the world, i.e. well put together, sharp, dazzling, etc.

Your compliment means that you want me to turn around and bite a pillow. And you all know me, I’m a heathen to the core–I don’t find anything wrong with anybody getting their freak on if they are not hurting themselves or anyone else in the process. But if I don’t know you, what is the appropriate response to you telling me I am sexy?

Because you didn’t say ‘beautiful.’ What you said was, “What you are, “sugar”, whether you like it or not, is a permanent resident of the Betty Boop Pound town Population. You can put on glasses and an overcoat and try to deliver your Power Point presentation on statistics all you want, honey, but the audience is holding up the tables in the conference room with their boners. You are the live action Jessica Rabbit, even when your hair is messed up, your clothes are dirty and you’ve got food poisoning.

Often you find that the guys that are saying this do so because we have allowed them to live in their subconscious with no consequence, so they can just blurt out SEXY to someone they don’t know and nobody responds with EW, cool out dude, let the lunch lady do her job!

Sexy and beautiful are not the same thing.

Here’s how I know: Have you ever seen a dude in a restaurant with his significant other and a lady walks past and he goes, Damn she’s sexy!

Uh, no.

He might say, well she’s lovely or she has great abs. But not “sexy.” Why wouldn’t they say that in front of their boo thang if it’s the god’s honest truth? Well, because he knows that it makes him look like a perverted asshole.

I can’t fix the world with one opinion article about adjectives, but what I do know is that looking like you can suck the meat off a bone is nice, but being completely respected as a human being is better.

I like flirting when it is invited. I like being told sweet nothings from someone that I might take my clothes off for. But the laundromat attendant? STOP. The principal at my son’s school? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

If you don’t know her…Maybe these suggestions could help.


  1. Don’t tell a woman that she is sexy as the first words that you ever say to her unless she is a sex worker, an exotic dancer or the like. It’s not appropriate in the queue at Wal-Mart, sir.
  2. Don’t tell a woman that you do not know that she is sexy unless you are propositioning her for sex and pull out a wad of cash. This IS what you meant, right?
  3. Unsolicited comments on someone’s appearance, kind or otherwise, can get creepy fast.
  4. If she asks you if she is sexy then say that she is…just remember that actual compliments are about anything else other than her fuckability. Gosh you’re really smart, Jeanie!(just an example. Don’t start lying to people)


In short, make it obvious to the woman that you are actually with,or are pursuing, how you genuinely feel about her as a person. And know that it doesn’t have to be physical praise. Sexy is so overused that I don’t know if you want to meet me behind the dumpster for a quickie or if you actually think that I am a bodily function like eating, sleeping or pooping. So you just said that BASICALLY I look like Snow White’s eighth roommate. Not as complimentary as you thought, eh?

If you’re not sure how to tell me, a complete stranger, that I look good enough to wear your seed–get creative and say that I’m ‘Jizztastic’ then.

No veiled hints there, right?

Featured image by J Stimp via Flickr.