Men, Here Are the Do’s and Don’t’s of Your Dating Profile

“I pray you, do not fall in love with me,

For I am falser than vows made in wine.”

–William Shakespeare, As You Like It

The summer after I turned 12, my parents took me to New Orleans.  While there, we visited one of the voodoo fortune tellers that haunt the French Quarter.  After examining me thoroughly, the old woman pronounced convincingly that she “saw a lot of penises circling around my head.”

Obviously, I lied to my mother afterwards when she asked what the woman had said.  To this day, I don’t know if she was indeed psychic, merely attempting to perform a public service on the merits of abstinence, or just plain batshit crazy.  To be fair, there’s been a lot of penis in my life, just not all metaphorically floating around my head.  

The advent of the Internet heralded a massive circle of flying penises heretofore unrealized.  The proliferation of dating sites makes finding a willing dick far easier than it probably should be.  But in order to snatch one of those flying appendages, women are forced to wade through a veritable dumpster full of atrocious profiles.  I’m here to help the men out there fix their dating profile to make them more, ahem, palatable to women.  You’re welcome.

Dating Profile Do’s and Don’t’s For Men

  1. Have more than one profile picture, preferably from the last decade.
  2. Be smiling in at least one picture.  Smiling proves you have teeth and also possibly a personality.
  3. Be doing something in your pictures other than holding a dead fish.  I get it, you like fishing and you’ve proved caveman-style you’re a provider. Bravo.  I have nothing against fishing, and in fact will assume you are an amazing fisherman until told otherwise.  Try something to stand out is what I’m saying.
  4. Don’t pose next to J.J. Watt.  That’s not doing you any favors, unless you’re Channing Tatum or Bradley Cooper.
  5. Have one picture where it’s just you so I don’t have to guess which one you are and/or ask you for your hot friend’s number.  Awkward!
  6. Clearly label your profile as one of the following: a) Looking For Any Available Holes; b) Selectively Looking For Any Available Holes; or c) Please Somebody Talk To Me.
  7. If you must include a picture of your dick in your profile, make sure you photograph it clearly, in good light, with a frame of reference to accurately advertise size.  Good reference points include, but are not limited to: a tube of lipstick, a mini Gherkin pickle, a lightbulb, your daughter’s sippy cup, an airplane bottle of liquor, or a cigarette.
  8. When posing in front of an expensive and fancy car, to create the illusion that the car actually belongs to you, make sure you are physically touching the car.  Maybe even open the driver’s side door.  Do not, under any circumstances, be looking over your shoulder for the angry owner of said car.
  9. Your profile pictures should be a visual encapsulation of your interests and personality, assuming you have one.  For example, if you like to stalk your ex, make sure to include a photo of you hiding in the bushes outside her house.  
  10. If your only pictures are of body parts other than your face, I will assume at least one of these is true: a) you’re married; b) your face is fugly; or c) you are the Headless Horseman.

    Featured image by Sean Maurik via Flickr.