Here’s Why You Got Dumped

“Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood.”

–William Shakespeare, King Lear

Sometimes you just know.  Maybe it’s the annoyingly loud way they chewed their food.  Or he missed the toilet one too many times.  Perhaps she got a little too stabby.  Whatever the reason, it existed, and the relationship ended with clarity.

But we’ve all had a breakup that left us asking, “Why?” and “What happened?” Things seemed to be going along swimmingly, and then, without notice, it all went to shit.  And they were gone.

Obsessing over the reason why is a waste of time.  You have better things to do. Like discovering where the sock trolls hide all those missing socks.  Or leveling up on that video game she detested.  Have you tried exfoliating the crack in your ass? (Side note: you totally should.  You’re so ashy.)

I’m a giver, and as such, I’m willing to share with you the following exemplary reasons why you got dumped.  Pick one that fits, and move on with your life. You’re welcome.


That Bitch/Asshole Dumped Me Because…


  1. They would only “wax on,” but never “wax off.”  Who does that??
  2. Flinging poo is apparently an unacceptable means of communication.
  3. My mother’s laundry detergent wasn’t gluten-free.
  4. Clown suits are not pajamas.
  5. Swallowing condoms is, in fact, an effective means of birth control.
  6. A KFC bucket is not meant to be divided equally.
  7. Thesaurus is a state of mind.
  8. It’s not adoption if you just take someone else’s child from the grocery store.
  9. The wi-fi password was “Spaghett10s4DinnerAga1nDamm1t”
  10. There’s no vaccine for tuberculosis. (Yes, there is.)
  11. The Salem Witch Trials hold personal significance.
  12. I am lactose-tolerant.
  13. Bowling most definitely is a sport.
  14. Children of the Corn is not meant to be re-enacted on a daily basis.
  15. Toenail clipping art is both decorative and functional.
  16. The neighbors are Juggalos.
  17. A spork should be used for all fine dining experiences.
  18. The Illuminati are watching.
  19. It’s pronounced “mar-ih-joo-wanna,” dummy.
  20. The color blue smells good, but the number 257 does not.

Featured image by seth m via Flickr.