Ten Rules from the Hoe Code Handbook


“A friend should bear his friend’s infirmities.”

–William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar


If there’s one thing men should know about women, it’s this: the dick pic you sent has been seen by all of her friends, as well as a handful of carefully curated strangers.  It’s been critiqued, discussed, and yes, mocked.  This statement is true for all dick pics sent, from the tiny, lonely pencil dick to the simply scary mandingo.  In fact, the more perfect the penis, the more it has been figuratively dissected.  I just used the words “dissect” and “penis” in the same sentence.  Did you just grab your crotch?  Good.  Now I have your attention.

There is little else in today’s world that bonds two or more women together than the sharing of unsolicited dick pics.  Have you ever wondered why women go to the bathroom in groups?  Dispelling that mystery is easy.  A women’s restroom is the great equalizer of the catty.  And what better way in the powder room to befriend a woman you’ve never met than to share the most intimate of received pictures?

If a woman enters a restroom alone, the other women already inside will immediately attempt to make her feel comfortable:  “OMG! I love your hair!” Which, translated directly, provides the solitary woman the opportunity to confirm her status as a Real Hoe.  The proper response is always, “Thanks, but your shoes are to DIE for!”  Once all the Real Hoes have self-identified, a proper conversation can occur.  And yes, that’s when your dick pics are shared.  Guys, please don’t ever stop sending them.

These women are my true soulmates.  And in the paraphrased words of the great hoe Pat Benatar: hoe to hoe, we stand.   

Ten Rules from The Hoe Code Handbook

1. A hoe’s bestie will help her take the best nudes and doesn’t laugh.

2. A hoe doesn’t have to ask to borrow another hoe’s condoms.  She doesn’t want them back, anyway.

3. Helping a fellow hoe arrange her breasts for display is more art than skill.

4. In any situation, a hoe doesn’t comment on another hoe using paper towels to dry her crotch.  The best hoes get more paper towels.

5. There is nothing sexier than Hoe Chic: tits out, ass banging, and obviously uncomfortable shoes.

6. No topic of conversation is too risqué.  A true hoe knows it to be a compliment when another hoe tops an outrageous statement with one that is even more outrageous.

7. When a hoe sees another hoe with a disturbingly ugly man, the first hoe automatically knows that the man either has money or a good dick, or both.

8. You can be white and still be a hoe.

9. A hoe will always hold another hoe’s hair.  And find a cup of water.

10. Hoe recognize Hoe.


Featured image by Bucky Skeel via Flickr.