She’s just not that into you: 5 female archetypes all fuckboys should avoid
I try desperately to avoid my family and friends on Facebook because it never fails that as soon as I log on to catch a gander of a cousin’s cute baby, some completely unworthy former collegiate friend will post something so stupendously ridiculous that I am forced to stop myself from hurling my phone or laptop right out of the window.
Yesterday was such a day. A guy that I used to respect, vaguely at best, who has his own business, several well established and respected children in the community and a number of degrees under his belt posted something like, “All I want in the world is a chick who knows how to cook, who looks good, who doesn’t want anything serious, has all of her own everything and likes to kick it only with my penis without attachments.”
FYI, for all his societal adornments and paper accomplishments, don’t be fooled friends, this guy is a total fuck boy.
Describing these Netflix and Chill type idiots in detail would take me writing 311 more articles. Maybe, if I get just a little bit angrier, I’ll write a book about that shit later, from a secluded beach with a well-oiled cabana boy fetching me mixed drinks…. The cabana boy too, will be a classic fuckboy.
Here’s the thing, I don’t hate fuckboys. Clearly, I’m writing this piece especially for them, specifically with my Facebook frenemy in mind, as my way of helping out the cause. Casual meaningless sex must certainly be had. This is not the issue. However this fantasy sex bot that guys are looking for isn’t usually found in the places that they are looking for it. Hey fellas, if you are looking for an FWB via Facebook, which is full of your friends and family, that is your first mistake. I’m sure that if you will make that kind of egregious error, you are certainly out there in the cold world making plenty of other ones.
Let me help you out, heathen to heathen.
There are some stereotypical chick categories where a fling with an aimless part time lover is an uphill battle, both ways. These trite categories of chicas are to be evaded if all that you’ll ever need in your meaningless life is a blow up doll that can make a sandwich.
Mind you, I know that we’re all unique special individuals, etc. etc., so my sweeping generalizations are not designed to belittle per say; they are designed to prevent the basic generic fuckboy from wasting his precious bone zone time trying to woo a chick outta his league. Yeah, deep down I care about you guys… so keep in mind that any woman who wants to spend any serious amount of time with someone who has nothing to offer her other than porn style pipe laying is probably crazy herself, or has no problem separating sex from love ( gasp, they can do that now?) But be extra careful, “simply- unprepared- for- anything- other- than- Porky’s- 2 –style- fuckboys”, because if she can do this thing that most adult humans can do, separate sex and love, you’ll be swooning and trying to trap her so fast you’ll start searching suburban Zillow listings on your cracked screen iPhone 4…. How do I know? Because not only did the fuckboy who inspired this article try to “holler” at me on more than one occasion but I’m confident that he is going through his 4th or 5th divorce.
If the girl you’re trying to get milk from without buying the cow is on this list, 88% of the time will you crash and burn so keep moving- (and I mean REALLY crash and burn, not at all like Maverick in your tired Top Gun fantasies either, trust me.)
You’re not really about anything other than gelled hair and rock hard abs, so these are the chicks that you should absolutely avoid chasing:
She is so passionate and nobody makes home-made, non-GMO, 0% carbon footprint, flip flops look so hot. However, you are going to get too easily swept away by her drive and sensitivity. There’s a good chance that she will have your ass watching documentaries and handing out voting flyers before you can even join PETA. This girl is not for casual acquaintance; she’s trying to change the world, not just your bed sheets. Avoid her, the love inside her is entirely too strong and she might end up making you fight for something- and that’s not what fuckboys do!
The Single Mom
If she has any children under 18 be weary; she can hold down a job, a family, read stories, cook meals and do it all on a subway, a treadmill or a parent teacher conference in heels. She is harder than most because her heart has already been broken before or she is just so “Murphy Brown” badass, that the last thing that she needs is a partner telling her how to have it all. Leave this one alone. You’ll get so comfortable with all of her devotion, and affection that if you’re not worth shit, after a while, you’ll have a bed time and punishments just like the rest of the kids.
And if it turns out that you are so enamored with how well she handles business and provides for a family without support from a male, the next thing you know is you’ll be providing it to her, merely because of how in awe of her greatness you are. It’s an Oedipal trap! She will have you promoted at your shit job, putting 50% down on a 2 story bungalow in the ‘burbs and mowing grass faster than you can say ooh its tuna casserole night again! If settling down with a lioness is not your thing because you are just a hyena- keep moving, this keeper has a trip to Disney World to plan!
‘Chile please. She’ll have you referring to yourself as heteroflexible in like 2 hours.
Everybody knows the stereotype, that the church girls are the dirty girls, so I can see the instant appeal, but don’t do it. Her relationship with whatever higher power she is crazy about is really where her heart is, and if you make her break that trust with the big guy upstairs, she will make you spend the rest of your days on your knees, praying for his forgiveness. I know that you think that you can escape, dear fuckboy, but this type of woman is faith-based and kindhearted- she believes in second chances, healing the sick and compassion. You don’t deserve anything that she has to offer and you both know it, but because she won’t ever give up on your worthless ass since her favorite fantasy father figure never gave up on her, you’ll be married in a full church/synagogue/mosque ceremony after a year or two of relationship counseling, a few spiritual retreats and quite possibly the most intimate and powerful sex that you’ve ever had. You can’t empty her vessel since the holiest of holy hope keeps it full… and you don’t want to go to “hell” for hurting her, do you?
The Daddy’s Girl
She’s going to break your heart no matter how you slice it. She might bang your brains out once but have you ever considered why she would? Well to defy “daddy” of course. You are as they call it in better circles, her attempt at “slumming it.” You’re a complete downgrade in every area of her life. It takes a second for you to catch on but you’re the toy in this scenario, dear fuckboy, so as much as you feel like you are getting off Scot free because she doesn’t really want anything from you(and you can’t afford her in the first place) that emptiness that you will soon feel is exactly how these throw away women that you just want to be FWB’s with, feel. Maybe they didn’t want anything either until they realized they couldn’t get anything. It’s not a sexy feeling knowing that you are being used and that the person that you’re seeing only after dark and sleeping with regularly has no real interest in chilling with you, getting to know you, or ever fucking you without two condoms. You can try to play mister hard core fuck boy all you want to but that first time you show up during the middle of the day and she acts like she’s never seen your stupid broke ass before, you’ll spend the rest of your life drowning in alcohol asking yourself why you weren’t good enough… Avoid at all costs!
My recommendation( because I really do care) is for you sad sacks of easy riding fuckboys to download a casual dating app ( as soon as you upgrade to at least an iPhone 5 of course) or better yet save up your Uber driving money so that you can afford several evenings a month with a professional sex worker who looks just like Dolly Parton from Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, since fuckboys really just need night games & love freaky musicals.
As a friend and fellow freak, leave the relationships with women who have other priorities outside of copulation to the big boys, you know, the actual men.
Of course, if you look like Henry Cavill forget that I said any of this shit and have the hotel ring me in the Cabana. I’ll be your huckleberry.
I need to stay off of Facebook.
Featured image by UFCW International Union via Flickr.