“O sleep, O gentle sleep, Nature’s soft nurse, how have I frightened thee. That thou no more will weigh my eyelids down, And steep my senses in forgetfulness?”
― William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part 2
Some of us are blessed (or cursed) with a chronic inability to sleep at night. The welcome rest that heals both body and soul regenerates cells and solidifies memory. But not for everyone: I’m one of those people.
Because I haven’t slept, I forget where, but I’m fairly sure it’s been said that insomnia is a mark of intelligence. I certainly hope so. For insomniacs like me, in the wee hours of the night, the body is tired, but the mind races. And although there are pharmaceutical options, both prescribed and homeopathic, legal and illegal, the cloudy brain hangover that interferes with life’s challenges of the next day presents a real reason to avoid chemical manipulation of sleep.
Most insomniacs have heard all kinds of advice from the oft-hated but well-meaning natural sleepers. And much of the time we, the sleep-challenged, resist the urge to throat punch those same people for providing that advice. Such advice is generally useless for the advanced non-sleeper, anyway. Seriously, go fuck yourself with your hot milk and counting smelly farm animals.
But I’m a generally positive person, and as with many areas of life, positivity is key. Therefore, I have begun to classify the hours after bedtime but before sleep as “Bonus Time.” Bonus Time can be used for anything, from worrying about things that will never happen, to the more productive cleaning and straightening. But I use my Bonus Time time to write. For better or for worse, my brain is capable of downloading words at an alarming rate, but only after midnight. Following is the chapter outline for a book on a particular method for achieving sleep that I work on in my Bonus Time nightly between 1 and 3AM. I hope you enjoy it.
The Insomniac’s Guide to Purposeful Masturbation
Table of Contents
Chapter 1: Jacking It Without Waking the Neighbors
Chapter 2: Cleaning Your Mom’s Spatula & Using It For Self Love
Chapter 3: Coping With Genital Anger, Yours and Others’
Chapter 4: Avoiding Eye Contact With Your Cat
Chapter 5: Dammit There’s a Book Here, and Now I’ll Never Go To Sleep
Chapter 6: Trophies & Other Phallic Objects
Chapter 7: Don’t Microwave Cucumbers More Than 15 Seconds
Chapter 8: Knives, Nope
Chapter 9: Why Are D-Batteries So Expensive?
Chapter 10: Sock Drawer Magic
Chapter 11: Floral Design And Your Genitals
Chapter 12: Creative Use of Gravity
Chapter 13: So You’re Injured. Now What?
Chapter 14: All 37 Uses For A Selfie Stick
Chapter 15: Gawd I’m So Alone
Chapter 16: Objectifying Clowns Without Fear
Chapter 17: Lightbulbs And Glassware, You Need Duct Tape
Chapter 18: Caffeine and Your Genitals
Chapter 19: V Is For Vacuum, Not Vagina
Chapter 20: This Freckle Wasn’t Here Before / It’s Probably Cancer
Chapter 21: Food Porn As Actual Porn
Chapter 22: Pseudo-Sexual Origami With Cardboard Boxes
Chapter 23: Bananas Have Feelings
Chapter 24: Is It Fuzz Or Lint?
Chapter 25: Mom! Not Now
Chapter 26: Religious Objects
Chapter 27: Puppeteering To Set The Mood
Chapter 28: Thinking About Weird Bugs
Chapter 29: Spanking It In Space
Chapter 30: Stop When It Burns
Featured image by gaelx via Flickr.