Dear Ladies: Some Men Fake Orgasms, Too

(by all Men, as represented by Remy Carreiro)

You ladies invented something many, MANY years (natch, centuries) ago that is counter intuitive to good sex. Although some men may appreciate it in theory, I am not one. The act of faking an orgasm does TWO things, neither of which help anyone.

One, while trying to protect the fragile male ego, you faking an orgasm implies an underwhelming performance “gets you there”, therefore immediately lowering the bar for yourself. Instead of being honest and making him (us?) learn how to get you there, you fake it for US, but ruin sex for you. Sorry, I am in it for YOUR pleasure, that faking shit does NO PARTY any good.

Two, it makes shitty lovers believe they are good and they then carry that and perpetuate bad sex until you have a society of men who can’t get women off (which is KIND OF where we are at, based on how many first orgasms I have given grown-ass women). But also, there are other reasons you ladies fake orgasms. Sometimes, it’s to end sex. Sometimes you just know we aren’t gonna get you there and you just want our undulating, sweaty bodies off of you, and hell, who can blame you. I’ve seen me naked, I would want me off me, too. But over the years, do you not think the wisest of us learn and adapt? Yes ladies, what I am saying is, when we have a condom on, we can 100% fake an orgasm, too. And not for spite, but rather, the same EXACT reasons you do.

Sometimes you ladies smell down there or your heart just isn’t in it so we want it over with, too. Someone had to tell you. Might as well be me, seems no one else has seems to have the balls (or self control).

Let’s Explore The Fake Orgasm and How Fucking Stupid It Is

Really? Nope, you ladies spazz out and make guttural noises, actually.

The Hell is wrong with you? We have an idea. How about instead of doing counterproductive shit to ease our frail egos, you just be honest? I know that idea is daunting as fuck, and I respect that, but seriously, telling us bad sex gets you off is like telling your Mom you fucking love liver, only to be forced to eat now for three days a week because you made some stupid lie to make someone else feel better IT DOES NO ONE ANY GOOD. Who the fuck says they like a meal they don’t like just so they can be forced to eat it over and over until death? NO ONE, so why would you do the sexual equivalent of that?

You fake an orgasm, which makes us lazy lovers because we believe we are making you come from minimal effort. Thus, you get minimal effort from then on and the female gender goes on to talk about how men suck at sex and are selfish lovers for the rest of eternity.

Um, no you evil witches. We actually are being lied to, which is why we seem selfish. Were you actually adult enough to talk about what makes you come, the best of us would ensure you got there. Just saying.

Stop punching yourself.

But, the wisest of us men who are decent fucks took note of women over the years. A fake orgasm is like them hitting the off switch.

Why can’t we do the same when your “dead fish” act grows tiresome or you are on your fourth genuine orgasm and we are still miles from ours? Oh wait, WE CAN.

Yes I Have Faked Many Orgasms

I have heard some guys tend to orgasm pretty quickly. I am lucky and have been in steady relationships since I was 15, so for me, that stage lasted a year, maybe, then I just became obsessed with how to get your gender off, sexually. Pop culture led me to believe the clitoris was like Atlantis, when in fact, it is more like Atlanta is the sense that it is in the SAME SPOT ON EVERY MAP. Get it? Once you find your first clitoris, you get lost trying to find it again you are just bad at sex. It would be like someone who played darts but cannot see the bulls eye. What’s the point of even picking up the darts, chump?

But, over the years I would find myself mid-fuck sometimes and just done. No offense to the ladies involved, she ALWAYS gets hers (even if I have to rock a quick box munch), but there are times when we wanna tap out of the ring too, but we can’t just OOOOH and AHHHH like fucking Harry met Sally because we have this violent exclamation point known as the male orgasm (aka cumshot, let’s be adults here). How the fuck can a guy fake shooting a load to end sex?

Easy, condoms, yo. Make the dumb ass grunty noises and not so sexy faces you know you make every time you cum, jerk your hips a little, let out a massive sigh, then pull the condom out and go take it off in bathroom (as in flush it).

Orgasm faked, evidence gone. Don’t get mad, you started this.

Boom, you think you made us cum, we made you cum, and everyone wins.

Now I know I am speaking for myself but my thought is this: I am by no means exceptional (well, I am exceptional as fuck obviously but let me pretend to be humble here for a second) so if I have done it, there HAVE TO BE OTHER MEN who have done it as well. I am not some male mastermind of the fake orgasm, I refuse to believe that. If I have, others have as well.

But seriously, how fucked up are you ladies reading this right now? You had no idea in the SLIGHTEST (I been pulling it for 15 years now) and you are looking back over your past encounters with a magnifying lens now, wondering if maybe, just maybe, he got bored or just didn’t want to fuck anymore.

So I Have An Idea: How About We ALL STOP FAKING ORGASMS?!!

Simple, right, but I fucking learned it by watching you.

It works here, too.

We become two genders who pretend to get each other off for the other one’s sake, we fail. Sex becomes awful and we all hate each other more than we already do. How about this, we come to a mutual agreement, keyword being come.

I will stop faking orgasms for the frail female ego if you all will stop faking them, therefore giving men an actual shot at becoming better lovers to you. The only way we can achieve that is communication, EVEN if it is communication that makes us a little uncomfortable at first. Uncomfortable for a minute is far better than not coming, trust me.

Fair?

Because we stay on this course and we will just all be walking around with blue balls and blue vulva. Yes, that’s a thing, and that is no world I want to live in. After all, how else can we all….

Damn, I’m good at my job.


Featured image by Julian Gonzalez via Flickr.