See Swiss Army Man Instead of Rogue One and You’ll Thank Me

Rogue One was passable. An enjoyable movie, but not overly enjoyable. It did not quite have the magic of TFA and though it was a Star Wars film (that I am being paid to review) that is my review, in whole. Yes, another Star Wars movie. Not as good as last one and not as bad as the three before that. But, while I was sitting there watching the ass-kicking and shiny metal robots make funny noises, it hit me. Movies like THIS are exactly why the best movie of the year got ignored by most. Was Swiss Army Man too quirky? Perhaps. Too genuine? Could be. Could Swiss Army Man have been a tad too surreal for most? Chances look pretty good on that. Regardless, no one saw Swiss Army Man this year but everyone has already spoken on Rogue One, so I am gonna break from my pre-programmed narrative and use this opportunity to tell you that Swiss Army Man was a genius film we all missed because we are spoiled by the fast-paced fuckery that is Hollywood now, and we don’t change this NOW soon enough every flick we get will look like it was directed by Michael Bay. As a fan of cinema you can see why I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN!

Rogue None

I love Star Wars, make no mistakes. I am also a bit of a geek who saw The Force Awakens more than once. But that does not mean this series should Trump (pukes) all the little flicks that make it into theaters and have no chance now because these big movies steal all the promo thunder.

See Rogue One, enjoy Rogue One, trip out when you see Vader again. It is all there, but none of it is exceptional, and they sure as shit don’t need my help plugging their movie.

But, this leads me to ask you….

Why Didn’t YOU See Swiss Army Man?

No, really, I am asking you. Reason being, is out of the thousands of souls I know, every single one walked away from Swiss Army Man bellowing some kind of WOW. Some found it very odd, some had no idea what the ending meant, but most agreed it was an original and one-of-a-kind movie experience. Yet so few people gave themselves that chance and in turn, missed out on that experience.

For those who know nothing about this Swiss Army Man I speak of, peep this trailer:

Yes, that was Harry Potter being used as a, say it with me peeps, SWISS ARMY MAN. It is kinda like Castaway if Wilson was a living-dead dude. Seriously. And I can understand where that might have scared some people off, but had they gone and peeled back the many layers of Swiss Army Man they would be left with a touching tale about broken people, a society where some feel like they don’t fit in, unrequited love, and an ending that makes some clap in joy and leaves some scratching their heads in wonder and confusion.

Honestly, what more could you ask for from a film than all of that?

The Story and Execution of Swiss Army Man

First off, be aware that this movie will not hold your hand or explain itself to you. Even in the very end, some still scratch their heads even more. I was not one of them, but some do. Though you do get a much clearer idea of what has been going on, it is not laid out in a way where suddenly it all makes sense in the sense of “normal” but guess what, art that leaves you scratching your head is still art.

Story here is deceptively simple (though freakishly complex once you begin to really think about it). Movie begins with Paul Dano’s character about to hang himself on a beach. Mid-hang, he sees a dead body wash up on shore. He luckily manages to wiggle himself free and goes to the body (reacting like it is the first thing he has seen in ages). Cue the body farting.

I know, this is where it may lose people but hold on because the ride it takes you on is like Where the Wild Things Are but for us maladjusted adults.

Dude takes Potter corpse into his cave and, well, it comes to life. He then figures out as many ways as he can to utilize the human as a sort of Swiss Army Man who can do anything. Start fires, shoot things from it’s mouth. Yeah, I know, sounds insane, but somehow it is utterly beautiful, too.

HUGE Shoutout to Directors Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert

NO ONE has the chutzpah to make real, interesting movies anymore. Movies that dare to stand outside the box and still get the love they deserve. Movies that dare to tell original stories that may be surreal and ethereal in spots, but that makes them no less a powerful part of this medium, and a valuable one at that. I have always thought lofty, ambitious films scare simple minds off, but the fact that NO ONE SAW SWISS ARMY MAN is not in the least bit okay (and proves that theory of mine).

These two directors should have movie companies knocking down their door for the next shit, straight up.

You can have all the Bayhem you want:

But that is not movie making to me. Swiss Army Man is true art next to that shit, straight up.

The Funniest Part Is…

Rogue One only has a few more stars as a rating right now, but watch what happens next. The REVERSE of what happened with Swiss Army Man. Swiss Army Man’s number climbed over time as more and more people told more and more people about it and many fell in love. What we will see as the weeks stretch and we are no longer in week one of Rogue One, we will actually see its review number drop. Not insulting the amazing Star Wars franchise in any way, but actually saying the cream rises to the top eventually is true, as long as we are patient enough to allow it to get there.

But that means WE as a paying audience need to do more than just support the big movies that drop. That is the very formula ruining the art of movies right now. We pay to see the big shiny ones, and the little, intimate ones that truly touch our souls go extinct. We are doing the same thing with movies that we just did with the country. Saying we want a big shiny douche instead of what would really help and benefit us (Sanders).



Unless you want it so that every movie in a years time seems like it was made by Marvel or DC and every film is just a group of good looking people chasing some shiny CG thing through a city they wreck, that is fine, but that’s on YOU! And that is just what is happening, and we ALL did it, fact. All I am saying is don’t wake up one day crying that all movies are the same shiny blow up fests when we did it to ourselves. Well, I didn’t. I saw Swiss Army Man twice in the theater.

Once for me and once more to make up for the rest of you.

So fix this shit. Buy this movie on Blu-ray and make it the hit it truly deserves to be, even if that is only a cult hit (which still counts). Original ideas and creative directors need to be encouraged and supported, or we only have ourselves to blame for Transformers: Part 19: Revenge of the Fallen Bots Matrix Primes Across Time…

BUT WE STILL HAVE TIME TO STOP IT, SO DON’T SUPPORT THAT SHIT!!! Support good shit like Swiss Army Man instead and the reward will be ours (universally better films that actually speak to us).