Why It Is Completely Okay To Hate Christmas and All The Bullsh*That Comes Along With It 

I  hate Christmas, and for a long time I felt like an asshole for that. Christmas is supposed to be the time when all humans feel warmth in their hearts for each other and the world shines with seasonal joy. But come on, we need to collectively wake up.

We think that because we hear the Christmas songs that were written and recorded 60 years ago when those values still existed. Hey feed us those same songs to condition the same thoughts into us, even though that time is long gone. So we ultimately get conditioned to believe we are supposed to love the holiday and embrace it and if we DON’T, something is wrong with us. We even have names like Scrooge or Grinch for anyone who dares oppose the holiday for any reason.

The irony being, that is simply what happy people call realists around Christmas. No, we are not Grinches. We are not Scrooges. We are people who are self aware and awake enough to know Christmas ends up being little more than an expensive fuckshow we must attend once a year to placate those around us into seeing as as part of the herd.

Truth is, most people hate Christmas when it comes down to the fine print of it, they just don’t say it until after. You notice that? After Christmas and New Years everyone says “just glad that’s over.” People don’t usually say that about things they like, do they? I mean, you ever heard someone say that after a good fuck? No, exactly. Because everyone likes to fuck and everyone hates Christmas. They only openly admit to ONE OF THOSE.

I am here to call those exact people out and let them know that hatred of this commercialized holiday is completely justified.

Exceptions to the Rule

Dear person who LOVES Christmas and is reading this right now, fuming. I know you exist, and more than one of you. Not trying to undermine your love. Some people do love it. They love that they get to see family, eat yummy foods, and maybe sing some carols. But mostly those people come from money and normal families. Most of us DO NOT. We live paycheck to paycheck in our overpriced and underpaid modern world. We still love the IDEA of Christmas, but actual Christmas is a huge pain in the asshole. Really.

Certain definite exceptions who justifiably love Christmas:

Little Kids: (you get tons of gifts but don’t give any? Fuck yes, can I get back there please?)

New Parents (I say new because by Christmas age 12, doling out all your money to please a thankless child gets less and less fun, fucking trust me).

The Elderly (because they are oft alone and this season tends to bring them more company love, and attention that they frankly deserve more than once a fucking year).

(And finally)

Newlyweds (Truth, there is something utterly adorable about “first gift exchange at a new house together” for newlyweds. Drives the whole “family” thing home that much more for them. Please note only newlyweds because by the 20th year of a relationship, you tend to just wanna get the other person a muzzle).

Outside of that, for those of us who do not want the burden of soul sucking children and do not want the burden of a soul sucking marriage and are not 9 or 99 years old, Xmas sucks open sweaty asshole.

Now I will tell you the many reasons why, and I genuinely don’t think any of you will argue this logic once it is spelled out for you like this.

People Go Full-Retard (Real Talk)

I wrote a whole article about this a few years ago for a major site and it basically warned people that, for some inexplicable reason, people go full retard around Christmas (no offense to any retards reading this BTW, I love ya’ll, for realz).

Whether it is bumping you out of the way in a crowded store a week before the big day or everyone driving like they are drunk on nog and going to a KKK rally, the world just gets dangerously retarded around Christmas, really. Suicide rates hike for a reason this season, people.

Time for us to stop and recognize that. Beware of the public at Christmastime. From grocery stores to highways, it is ALL a fuckshow that nothing can prepare us for even though we do it annually.

Money (or) Why We Don’t Eat Again Until February

Oh sweet. I now have to dole out fifty plus dollars for an aunt who literally doesn’t talk to me or write me or call me and only sees me at Christmas once a year. Awesome, I totally know very little about her and am next to broke because cost of living and versus what we make now is a joke, but yay!

And in the end, she hands me a gift that tells me who she wishes I was, as oppose to anything I would enjoy or benefit from. Here Remy, have this J-Crew sweater and button up even though you dress like a man who actually still has his penis. Oh yes, such fun. I love when people give me passive aggressive gifts. Yes, we know you love to read and love comics and film, so here, have this bottle of bourbon even though you are allergic to alcohol and it will kill you.

Oh thanks, message received.

Long story short, who the fuck has an extra grand to blow once a year on people that we barely know and who barely bother to get to know us?

Gifts should be for kids and couples. Outside of that it is a stupid tradition and most of us just regift our shit gifts anyway. I swear a ten year old candle I regifted 9 times made it back to me last year and all I could do was say touche’ to the universe and laugh.

Travel (or) You Got a Dead Family For Christmas

SO MANY PEOPLE have to travel for Christmas, be it flying or driving for hours. The thing here is, no one likes driving or traveling when it is gonna be for a one day event. Fly me out to Cancun, fine. But flying in or driving three hours to see fam when the world is covered in ice and everyone is driving like an asshole is brutal.

Also, look up car accident statistics around Christmas. It will make you sick to learn how many people die rushing to get to Christmas on time. No, really. Every year a couple hundred families get the gift of a phone call from EMT’s alerting them that so-and-so won’t make it because they drank some nog and then tried to drive 100 MPH for three hours to get to the “gift unwrapping” in time and wrapped themselves around a tree in the process. Yeah, they wrapped something but it wasn’t exactly a gift to you.

Fucked up, I know, but I didn’t invent it. This HAPPENS! I simply told you a fact you didn’t research on your own. And the saddest part is we are only halfway through this list.

Family Drama (or) Are You SURE We’re Related?

Come on you naive fuckers. This is not 1960’s family America anymore. We have an orange president who wants us to grab women by the pussy. Let’s not pretend we are getting together for some fucking Norman Rockwell painting. One of you uncles is probably super molesty, that is just how uncles work. One of you aunts is DEF a wine drunk because that is how aunts work. Add that to the weird dynamic of all of these people cramming into one place and pretending to know one another for 4 hours while old music plays singing about reindeer with glowing fucking noses. Starting to see how outdated and weird this Christmas ritual is. And don’t even get me started on the religious implications. Here, Christ might not be real and it is proven he was NOT born today if he did, but here, have this gift. WHAT THE FUCK LOGIC IS BEING USED HERE?

Truth is, the family Christmas as we know it is a fossil of a dead dinosaur we refuse to just admit is dead. The proverbial elephant in the room for 11 months out of the year.

But you know who has it even worse than people dealing with family drama and passive aggressive gifts….

The Lonely Souls (or) Christmas Suiciders

Yes, you may have a family and place to go for Christmas, and so do I, but why don’t we step outside of ourselves and put ourselves in someone else’s (Christmas) shoes (low hanging fruit, that was too easy) for a minute. You know how many people DON’T have family or DON’T have the money to travel and see them this Christmas? I complain about passive aggressive gifts and no one asking me about my career, but imagine the hopelessness of sitting alone that day, eating a microwaved dinner and watching Xmas specials on TV until you drift off to sleep on the couch, half cocked as that is the only way to find peace in loneliness. We all think we know of loneliness, but THAT is fucking loneliness. Trust me.

No one deserves to be alone on Christmas, but that doesn’t stop it from happening, And Christmas is like an echo chamber. You are lonely any other day, Christmas echoes that times 500%.

So add all those factors I have mentioned above and it paints a pretty solid picture as to why hating Christmas is perfectly reasonable. So reasonable in 2016, in fact, that the people who still LOVE IT are weirder to me than those who are awake and aware enough to know better.

But wait, there’s one more nail in this wreath covered coffin….

The Month After

Ah, the end game. The month when you get all your credit card bills for the tons you just spent on people you won’t hear from for another 364 days. The month we all try to exchange our shitty gifts or toss them into the closet. The month you only eat dollar store cereal because you went out of your way to make sure that sweater you bought uncle fucker is cashmere. The month you and your significant other are super stressed out because the fallout from the holidays has already happened. You blew your financial wad to get to a place where people tell you why they don’t accept you and give you gifts that try to make you into the person you wish you were.

January is like cleaning up an abortion you tried to forget about but left on bathroom the floor anyway. And all January, people are like “FUCKING PHEW, GLAD I HAVE A YEAR TO RECOVER” but then by December, the weird drug of Xmas settles over therm and they fall for the shit all over again. Mindless sheep. I would rather be a Grinch than a mindless grazer, real talk.

So I will end this how I started it. I hate Christmas and have good reason to. It is a commercial holiday enunciated by familial arguments and a serious lack of cash after, as well as travel and potential death

So really, what is there to love? You tell me.

Now steak and blowjob day in March? That is a fucking day to celebrate, but I may be biased because I have a dick and love eating cow (as opposed to Christmas where I just get yelled at by them).

*Drops mic that he gift wrapped for an uncle who molested him


Featured image by Russ via Flickr.