What Will Melania Do as First Lady?

Melania Trump could become the second or third most bitchin’ First Lady our nation’s ever seen. She’s probably not going to top Michelle in overall charm, or Hillary in acumen and drive. Oh, let’s not forget Jackie’s grace and perseverance. So, I guess, we’re talking fourth most bitchin’.

Melania could definitely be fourth. She’s super sexy. She’s Eastern European. She speaks four languages. She’s posed nude for international magazines, which you’d think would make her at least somewhat progressive on social issues. But the media hasn’t been very kind to her over the past few months, and they’re jumping on her now for not immediately moving into the White House. Honestly, I think it’s a little harsh since, in reality, she’s just saying she wants the kid to finish the fourth grade before they head to D.C. That sounds fair enough to me. But Melania has made some mistakes that have made her look a little aloof, so she has some work ahead to rebuild her image—if she even cares to. It’s not the best start for someone already stereotyped as a mail order bride. The Internet has made much ado about her immigrant status, her modeling career, her nude photos, her plagiarism, and her hypocritical stance on cyber-bullying.

Melania has a tough act to follow. Michelle Obama could give one helluva speech. She fought adolescent obesity and worked to improve food standards in public schools, even when morons made fun of her for it. Her Let’s Move! campaign has had some modest success. Say what you will, it’s a valiant effort to combat a big problem.

Likewise, I want to give Melania a chance. I do. Nobody should be criticizing the future First Lady’s intelligence or looks. But here’s what I will ridicule: the sugar-coating that we’re already starting to see in the media. I can’t stand profiles of Melania in magazines like one by Cosmopolitan titled, “10 Things You Need to Know About Melania Trump, the Future First Lady.” Seriously, Cosmo? You disappoint me. I’ll give you readers the highlights:

She Would Be A Pretty Historic First Lady (Their Words)

Melania will be the first immigrant First Lady since Louisa Adams. I’m not impressed. That has nothing to do with her personality or will power. It’s mainly happenstance. She’ll also be the first one to grow up in a Communist Country. Reaching a little? Why is that important? I could describe myself as the first First Lady to use the word Snootchy Mcfuckface in an article for an online men’s magazine. I would also be the first one to have lived in six different states. I would also be the first one to lounge around in my underwear on the White House lawn at eleven in the morning.

Her Hard Work Paid Off (Their Words)

Cosmo describes Melania as incredibly ambitious, much more so than her friends. She worked so hard to become a…model for magazines like GQ, Allure, Self, and Vanity Fair. Look, there’s nothing wrong with modeling. It’s great that she exercised a lot, dieted, worked on her tan, and learned how to apply makeup. It just so happens that she’s very attractive. Let’s not oversell these attributes. What kind of philanthropy work has she done? According to Cosmo, she’s served as a Goodwill Ambassador for the American Red Cross and is “an active member of the Police Athletic League.” So, she teaches Pilates to cops and hosts Red Cross banquets? That’s okay, I guess. I’d be more impressed if she taught foreign languages to inner city school kids or something. Hey, she could even raise money for charities by doing photo shoots. Give me something to work with here, Melania.

She Does Not Like The Lime Light (Their Words)

Doesn’t want the spotlight. That’s a very nice way to describe her relative seclusion compared to Michelle. She’s so humble. She’ll pose for GQ, but she doesn’t want a lot of attention. According to her, she’s “very political in private life.” Yeah, it’s pretty easy to talk politics over dinner with your friends and family. I wouldn’t describe that as very political. That’s more like sort of political. How often are hipsters described as slacktivist for advocating for issues on social media all the time? Melania doesn’t even tweet that much. Cosmo describes her as so apolitical—I mean nice—that she didn’t even respond to character assassination memes on Twitter when Trump was running against Cruz in the last stages of the GOP Primary.

Applause for that, at least. Trump could probably take some cues from his wife on this point. However, it’s kind of sad that a magazine has to praise Melania at length for basically doing nothing. I think most reasonable people would’ve ignored these harmless smears. What else are you going to do, exactly? Oh, no. Those awful Cruz supporters captioned my sizzling hot nude. The ad practically collapses on itself. I mean, just look:

what will melania do

Honestly, most guys probably saw that ad and unzipped their pants and forgot all about the primaries. That babe could be the First Lady? Really? That’s fuckin’ sweet, bruh!

Her Campaign Speeches Have Been Controversial (Their Words)

By controversial, do you mean bad? Cosmo writes that “journalists reported that parts of [her RNC speech] were plagiarized from a speech by Michelle Obama.” That’s simply weak, cowardly writing. Compare the words. They are the same. I’m convinced that she plagiarized, whether maliciously or not. Her second speech about cyberbullying and women’s rights was “quickly criticized” because, let’s face it, her association with Trump doesn’t make her the go-to gal on these topics. That doesn’t mean she’s precluded from ever offering an opinion on such matters. But what on earth was she thinking, proclaiming herself a champion of social justice all of a sudden at the height of Trump’s rhetorical meltdown?

If I were Melania, I would’ve talked about literally anything else than cyber-bullying. Recycling. Art appreciation. She could’ve plagiarized Michelle again and talked about dieting and exercise. Seriously, cyberbullying? She might be politically tone-deaf. Just a little.

The worst thing? I can totally see how this speech unfolded in her head. Trump returns from his toilet at 3 am one night. Melania wakes and spoons him. “What’s wrong, honey-boo?”

Trump is sighing. He whispers, “They’re so unfair to me on Twitter. All the time. I have to defend myself again and again. I’m just under constant attack. It’s horrible.”

Melania probably doesn’t read her husband’s tweets. She’s probably so sick of hearing him complain about his critics all the time, why would she go online and check it out herself? So she gets this idea in her head that he’s right, he’s the target of nasty liberals. Obviously, if your husband says thousands of people are attacking him on Twitter all the time, you’d see him as a victim.

And you know what? She would at least have the Trump Statue to point to, and all the hashtags mocking Trump and his campaign staff. I know. I’ve played these tags. They’re a lot of fun. To her, though, Trump isn’t a public figure. He’s just a tired butterball in her bed with thin skin. Of course she thought her darling was being bullied by us mean old liberals.

All this got me thinking. What if I were the First Lady? Let me tell you. I’d have so much fun while making such a big difference. I would start a positive body image campaign. I would promote the idea that you can be fit, sexy, and even photo-shoot ready without harming yourself or promoting sexism. I would teach girls to own their sexuality. Want to pose for magazines? Go for it. Want to be a scientist? Go for it. Want to do both? Go for it. What would break stereotypes better than a poly-lingual bombshell who spoke her mind about issues of gender and media?

Finally: As a multilingual, I’d also campaign for language teaching in public schools. Seriously, it’s sad. Foreign language education is getting defunded across the U.S., and has for some time. Colleges, too. Departments of Foreign Language are the first to feel the axe in a budget crunch. Melania could tackle an issue like that and stay out of areas where Trump has salted the water.


Featured image by Marc Nozell via Flickr.