You, yes, specifically YOU. The guy in the t-shirt and short combo reading this right now. I am talking directly to you. Joe Everyman. Sitting in front of your computer, coffee cup probably to the left of you on your desk, cute little pen holder off to the side. Right there is your first problem when it comes to meeting and picking up women (for coitus or relationships, and sometimes both!) You are too vanilla. Nothing about you makes you more exceptional than most of your gender, right down to the outfit I pegged you wearing in the first sentence. The fact of the matter is, women are growing bored of us and for good reason. We have become very cliche’ carbon copies of one another, and I cannot quite figure out why. First off, NO WOMAN IN HISTORY has ever seen a man in shorts and been like: I need THAT inside of me. Just being honest. I am closer with a great deal more women than men and I know this as a fact. Lose the shorts, for real. That is step one. Next up, we need to work on your confidence and your approach. Truth is, you do everything like everyone else you will end up with the same results as them (as in no results whatsoever). But once you figure out why you can’t pick up women, you can work around that, upgrade yourself, and maybe make yourself a bit more marketable to the opposite sex.

The Wolf Theory

This is where it starts and all starts to fall apart, all at once. Women were raised to think of men as wolves, as sort of dangerous and to be careful. Yet, if such is the case, why do most men approach women (especially in “packs”) with their tale between their legs? How is palpable fear and apprehension sexy? They were taught we are wolves, yet most men approach women like they are LITERALLY wolves. Like at any moment if you say the wrong thing they will rend your flesh from your bones.

Um, nope.

Worse thing that happens is you fail, that’s it. No flesh rending or growling and marking territory with piss. But you walking up to them like you are afraid is an instant game over. Not saying women are the wolves here, but they can DEFINITELY smell fear pheromones, and very few find a lack of confidence attractive (unless they want a man on a leash, in which case, that approach is perfect because it shows her you are clay she can mold to her whim).

So first step is realizing, you are not a wolf nor are they. You fear and nerves make you less attractive. While a modicum of humble reservation is good and shows you as grounded, while more than that makes you come across like a man-child and no women wants a man child inside or around her.

Be More Than the Guy Next to You

Remember how I brought up your outfit earlier? I did that for a reason. Because I was right. Jeans and shorts or jeans and a t shirt. Cool, but you do realize you are wearing “basic dude 101” clothes, right? That matched up with your lame, vanilla haircut just makes you another Larry in a long line of Larrys. Look yourself over really quick then imagine yourself as a lovely woman you would be drawn to. Now ask yourself, from outside perspective, would YOU want to date you? Pretty simple shit, but most dudes would look down at themselves, look around at their Facebook and real life and realize quickly, no. That is not because you aren’t cool or anything. It is because you have done NOTHING to set yourself apart or make that clear to the opposite sex. Step it up, all of it. Your clothing game (there are simple lists out there that can make a huge difference), your hobbies, yourself. Upgrade it all if you want an upgrade in the love department. Become exceptional to be seen as exceptional, and believe me, that transcends clothing. Read a few books, travel a bit.

Make you into someone YOU would want to spend all your time with, and THEY will want to as well.

The Panty-Dropping Power of Laughter

I am, and this is me being generous, a 6 out of 10 at best, but I have always dated 10’s. How? Laughter saved my life. It gave me “game” when I had none. Outside of wine there is nothing a woman likes more than to laugh. To be entertained enough to forget about the stresses of her daily life. Laughter is truly an aphrodisiac, which is why you see comedians bedding models. Seriously, look up some comedian’s wives. It shouldn’t surprise you at all that right next to athletes and rappers, funny motherf*ckers clean up. A laugh disarms someone, makes them feel safe and more secure. You can genuinely make any women laugh, you can genuinely get any women to go out for coffee with you, real talk, and that is all it takes to start something that could turn into something more.

So what do you do if you are just NOT funny?

Same thing you do if you want to learn how to change the oil in your car. You read some specialized books, watch some people well versed in the field do their thing, and over time, see what gets reactions and start trying it daily in your own life. Anyone can learn to play guitar if they try hard enough, and same can be said for landing a few solid jokes that melt the initial ice.

You don’t need to turn out some Louis C.K. level shit, but a laugh works way better than any pick up line ever created (especially the weak ass one about them falling from heaven). Oh, and stop with the pick up lines altogether. It is kind of insulting to the gender. Both genders, really. Are we so bad that 50% of all men use the same pick up lines on 100% of all women?

That is just sad.

In Their Own Words

I know what some of you are thinking. Why should we take this guy’s advice? Well, on some real shit, the one thing I know better than writing is women. Was raised in a house with just women, have been dating and fucking steadily for 15 years and have not hit a dry spell, ever. You can take my word or follow me here and see for yourself, but I am not spitting bullshit.

BUT on the off chance you still want proof, how about women in their own words? You cannot argue that, can you? Here are some examples snatched from women’s mouths:

Chill on the physical comment compliments. If we have nice eyes, someone (or many) have told us it before you. Go for something more unique or cerebral to compliment. It will have a heavier impact and make us less likely to group you in with other men.

Stop with the show-off intros. Those may work when we are 15, but out of high school, you telling us how much you can bench right off the start or that you graduated M.I.T is going to make us wonder if you are more into you or us. Also, ragging on your friends in front of us to make YOU look cooler makes us want to go home with the guy you are ragging on and not you.

Despite what dozens of pickup artists have told you to the opposite, negging (or pointing out something negative about us to spark interest, reverse psychology style) is shallow and disgusting and you are the kind of guys we block on Facebook and pour drinks on.

Trust us, we don’t wanna do it but you start off by deconstructing us, we will just ruin your nice, leather jacket. All’s fair in love and war, and this is not supposed to be war so stop the negging.

Here’s a big one: be YOU! Men don’t seem to understand that approaching women as something you are NOT to win them over at first is just setting a stupidly high bar for yourself when the truth is inevitably going to come out anyway. Be yourself, be somewhat charming and self assured without being an asshole and manage to make us laugh and you might just be surprised how far that gets you.

Finally, stop singing us covers of Creep by Radiohead or John Mayer songs. Please? It is just weird sitting on your bed while you strum and pretend to be famous.

(Pretty sure this last one is me specific. Sorry ladies).

From the Mouths of Babes

There you have it. Culminated from many magazines and lists and women whom have actually been kind enough to talk to me. They are not wolves, they are not twelve year olds impressed by juggling, and they like to laugh. On top of that, you throw together a decent outfit that sets you a little bit apart and learn some cool stuff to share and you’ll reach a point when you no longer HAVE to approach women. They will start approaching you. My last three girlfriends asked me out. If you saw a picture of me in high school you would not believe that. But had you told me it 20 years ago, either would I for that matter.

Featured image by martin.mutch via Flickr.