It’s hack to act befuddled and all what’s the deal with… about emojis. They’re an established part of how the entire world communicates, whether you like it or not. Even your grandma is sending “smiley poops” to the orderlies to signify when she’s had an accident at the retirement home.
So rather than bemoan language evolving, as it is wont to do, why not use these universally recognized and utilized characters as a force for good: getting laid?
We showed you how to use the last batch of new emojis to your sexual advantage, but those guys and gals at Unicode are back at it again and have deigned to drop a bushel of 72 new little pictures into our laps, so it seemed only right to highlight the best way to use some of these to get someONE to drop into your lap.
We can all thank Nicki Minaj and Jhene Aiko for bringing ass eating into public acceptance. Now, it seems even emojis have caught up with the sexual zeitgeist and given a shout out to all the salad tossers out there.
Send this one over to your man or woman in advance of the evening’s activities so they have warning that tonight might get a bit kinky and have enough time to hop in the shower.
If eggplants are the veiny, triumphant cocks we all want to possess or ride, the peanut is the disappointing, ugly, chode-like sad trombone of a dick on the opposite end of the spectrum.
Even if not always used as an accurate assessment, this emoji will become the go-to slander for petty texts of wronged parties.
Unicode is calling this a cucumber, but that is wishful thinking of the highest order because not a single human being in the world is going to use this as anything but a representation of a pickle.
Guys, much like the peanut, this is not an emoji you’re going to want affiliated with you. While the peanut might be reserved for disappointing size, the pickle will become synonymous with the herpes sore-riddled dick of the unclean. Go get tested now before you get branded with this scarlet emoji, you’re due for a check up anyway.
Sending this to your partner only means one obvious thing: “Get your affairs in order and strap in, cuz I’m about to take you to Crazytown and make you cum, my baby.”
As Sylvester Stallone once famously said, “stroke the shaft, cup the balls.” This emoji will surely come to be a favorite for the ball-play community. Whether juggling your man’s balls or requesting said juggling for yourself, there is now finally an emoji that ends their neglect streak.
More an anti-sext than anything, this sobering will either be used as the most cavalier way in the world to inform someone of a life-changing event, or it’ll be accompanied with the red and yellow pill emoji to encourage a cheapskate fling to “GO BUY ME A PLAN B, ASSHOLE!”
Even if you’re unaware of how Greek wrestling shortcuts to “going Greek” (and if you are still lost on these terms, stop reading this, go watch The Birdcage, and catch up with the late-90s’ regard of gay culture), the flagrant homo-eroticism of this emoji means it belongs to the gay community now.
I look forward to the myriad creative ways I’ll see this used to call people out on Twitter.
It’s a vagina, homie.
I’m sure this will be used in a number of G-rated ways, but when sent during a raunchy text exchange, it can be used with just as much malleability.
Whether in response to a booty or dick pic that’s left you hypnotized and wanting to go to there or as an indicator of the loads of semen you’re willing to take in the name of romance, drooling face is your emoji.
Ok, maybe I’m reaching with this one but, while I fully acknowledge it won’t be the most COMMON usage, something tells me this drum is going to be used at some point in the not too distant future to initiate double penetration.