If you’re anything like me; a twisted person that thinks to triple his gluten intake out of a misplaced sense of pride every time I read the words ‘Gluten Free”, this article was written for you.  I hate the gluten free movement.  I don’t hate it in a stay-out-of-my-town (insert derogatory phrase of your choosing) kind-of-way but rather a I’m going out to eat and my-guest-has-returned-the-food-twice, kind-of-way. The latter of the two has a charming way of cultivating an enthusiastic hatred; much more pleasant than the ignorance-inspired hatred of the former. I’m fighting’ the good fight here fellas! Assembled below are a few reasons spelling out exactly why-the-fuck you need gluten. Pansy.

Gluten is High in Protein.

It’s always bulking season. Gluten is the general name given to the proteins found in wheat, triticale, rye, and barley products; products I may add, that have been consumed for eons. That being said, protein is good, real good. It’s so good that manufactures use gluten to make seitan, which is a meat alternative used by vegetarians. Yes, gluten is a source of protein that vegetarians use. Who would have thought?

Gluten is High in Iron and other Nutrients.

Do you remember health class? Me either.  I do however, recall a rumor that iron and nutrients were good for the body, so I’m going to run away with this rumor. Gluten is high in nutritional value. So high, that when someone considers going gluten free, they are warned that they need to find a substitute for nutrients. Instead of buying vitamins, you can, you know, eat gluten. Nutrients are good for you; next time someone gives you grief for eating gluten, diffuse their comments with a sneer “at least I’m getting my nutrients” remark.

You Probably Don’t Have Celiac Disease

About 1 in 133 people have Celiac disease, which causes damage to the lining of your small intestine when gluten is consumed. Someone in the media caught wind of this and the whole gluten-free movement was born. If you remove yourself from the hype, take a step back and inquire the statistics, you’ll find that the odds aren’t in your favor. They never were! Going gluten free only benefits’ a very small percentage of the population. Why? Because only a small percentage of people feel sick after they consume gluten.  When they don’t consume gluten, they miraculously feel better, praising the Gods for the benefits of a gluten free lifestyle one chirping tweet at a time. Chances are, if you spent the majority of your life consuming gluten with zero drawbacks, you’ll end up fine.