Drugs Are Bad, MMMkay?

Kids, don’t do drugs. Well, actually, I don’t stand behind that. Do drugs. They help expand your mind, open you up spiritually, and make you aware that life is about more than just yourself. But, in doing drugs, only get drugs from people you know and respect. If you are going to do drugs, make sure the drugs you get are safe and exactly what they say they are (there are plenty of ways to test drugs now). MDMA, or Molly as many people now call it, is not the same thing that ecstasy was during the rave phase of the late-nineties. Whereas now, finding mostly pure Molly is easy if you know your dealers or connections, back in the day, you could be buying dirty molly: a pill that someone is TELLING you is ecstasy, when in fact, it is heroin and rat poison and a myriad of other things that should not be mixed and pressed into a pill. And as I am sure you can imagine, taking a poisonous compound under the false belief that it is something (slightly) safer can be a very stupid move, as I learned the hard way one night when I took some dirty Molly that wasn’t ecstasy and went blind for five hours.


In 1999, people were throwing X around to everyone. If you were at all into the club scene, people would be dosing you all the time and 90% of this would be fine. But there are some scumbags out there who just want to make money and do not care if the product they sell will kill or mame. So I am out with a group of friends, and all of us are known for ‘rolling’ when the weekends come around. We would load up into a car, head into the city, and just fucking tweak until like 6 a.m. I would love to tell you it was a shitty, dangerous, crappy time in my life, but it wasn’t. Matter of fact, for all the drugs I have taken, my track record is pretty fantastic. I should probably be dead ten times over by now.

Anyway, one night, Boston. Some kid comes up to me and my squad. The kid is clearly rolling hard (sweaty, huge pupils, won’t stop moving, grinding teeth. Side note, signs that should have WARNED us) and he offers us all some ecstasy mad cheap. We were already on some light rolls (except for our DD. Yes, drug users use designated drivers, too) and thought: what the hell.

Let me tell you, that decision fucked me all up and I learned a painful and valuable lesson that night. Keep in mind, the X looked like any kind of X that was available at the time. Brightly colored with some branded character or logo. Pretty sure the logo was a star, but the night is mostly a haze. As mentioned, we were already rolling slightly on some weak rolls, so my friends were all set. But me being Johnny Coolguy (Aka Johnny Dumbass) was like “I am gonna take this other pill we just got, too!” One of my friends decided to take a half with me. Bad choice. So so bad.

Fade to Black

Fast forward a half hour and my friend is vomiting into an empty glass at the bar. Need to leave. Not good. I feel sick, I feel dizzy. The throbbing music is making me want to drive pencils into my ears. What was once bliss is slowly melting into a fucking nightmare before my eyes.

My friends can clearly see something is wrong with Dave and I, and we decide to call it a night. Our driver is fine, and Dave and I are each in a window seat, him in front and me in back. Why I sat behind a nauseous person I will never know, but my judgement was WAY off that night.

Our DD keeps having to pull over for us to vomit, so we are making very little progress back home. I become inherently aware we have been poisoned. I can FEEL that this ecstasy we bought from this (now far away) kid was dirty. Basement junk mixed together and pressed into pill form. It was bad, but it was about to get exponentially worse.

Worst Night EVER!

Have you ever gone blind? Even for just a minute? Most people would answer no to this. I am not most people. There are few things you can experience as scary as watching your vision slowly start to blur, and gradually get worse and worse until you see nothing. Headlights of others cars turned into just small bursts of light, turned into pinholes of light, turned into shadows. And finally, black. Absolute darkness. “I’ve gone blind” I yelled, sobbing. Dave was puking violently but still had his vision, and kept it the whole evening. I was alone in this. The funny thing is, I wasn’t even thinking about how I may never see a cute animal or a beautiful face again. I was sickened with myself because I realized that a poor decision had just made me blind and I was going to have to explain this to people. I was instantly ashamed of myself. How the fuck do you tell your family you went blind because you bought drugs off some guy you didn’t know and it ended up being rat poison? How the fuck do you look at someone (or in may case of the blindness stuck, aim myself in someone’s general direction) and own up to that?  I had no idea but was overwhelmed by the thought.

Trapped in the Dark

Lemme tell you, the blind thing was scary as fuck. I could hear things and could not see. There was NO indication that this would go away. And I am not sure if you know how overdoses work, but the LAST PLACE anyone wants to go when they have been drug poisoned is the hospital. I was convincing my friends to please not take me, meanwhile, I am in pitch black thinking they are taking me. Yes, it was like one night in hell. Trapped within your mind, with only your own imagination.

But still, even scarier than the darkness was the darkness that came off that thought that I deserved this and did it to myself. That I had failed me and all I loved.

It may sound dramatic now, but you would feel the same fucking way if you were ever in my shoes.

Human Fail

Thing is, of all the elements that were scary that night, nothing was as scary as the prospect of having to tell my loved ones I went blind from getting dirty drugs. That is something Charlie Sheen would do. Not Remy Carreiro. Yet there I was, blind as a cave bat and at the mercy of my friends. I heard a familiar voice chime in through my deafening darkness. It was Kelly.

“We are going to get you to Dave’s. His family went away this weekend. We are gonna get you some water and stay by your side. If this isn’t better in a few hours, we have to take you to hospital, Remy.”

I agreed, but only because I knew.

I knew if it lasted THAT long, the damage was done and could not be undone. With things like this, you need to act quick, and we hadn’t. I remember the feel of tears burning my face, just running down my cheeks for what felt like forever.

We got to Dave’s, and which point, I had been 100% blind for about two hours or so. Another two hours and this was going to be my life sentence.

Blindsight is 20/20

Initially, we tried everything.

Cold compresses, Visine, and so on. But as I sat there in total black, I was beginning to think this was my fate. I remember petting Dave’s dog that night and being so lost in that. It was this kinesthetic feeling that eased the pain of having one of my senses missing. Thing is, we all knew this was a risk with ecstasy in those days. I was going to end up being the example.

Ironically, I am the ONLY member of my family who does not have to wear prescribed glasses, so just think about that for a moment and laugh to yourself. It’s okay to laugh now, because I can see again. It gradually came back as the evening progressed. First, I could make out areas where light was coming from. Then shapes. Then what was hidden by shadow began to get clearer and clearer. But I can honestly tell you, I will never NOT think of that as a miracle. If you look up blindness as a result of being poisoned, very RARELY is it temporary. On top of that, the others who didn’t take that weird guy’s X ended up having the tab tested and sure enough, rat poison. Fucking rat poison. Suffice it to say, that turned me off on Ecstasy. Now MDMA?

That is a conversation for another article.

Know Your Drugs

So I definitely should not have my vision right now, and I definitely shouldn’t be alive to tell this story. It is those two factors that tell me I HAVE to share this story. I fucked up so you don’t have to. Buy drug testing kits. Always know what you are taking before you take it, lest you want to be like me. The man who lost both his vision and his mind for a short time, all because of some ratstasy.