Once upon a time in the middle of the wilderness I was having a conversation with this hippie chick. The wilderness in LA, by the way, is about a half mile in any direction that does not contain a Starbucks or a shopping mall. So here I was doing a hike and this hiker tells me all about the Larabar and how healthy it is and how it only has 4 ingredients. Among the dozens of other energy bars sporting a tidal wave of ingredients that you need a PhD to decipher, the Larabar is probably much healthier so I tried it. That will be the last Larabar I ever have. I don’t really remember what the ingredients were, but in my estimation, they’re something like this:

1. peanut butter
2. salt
3. something
4. 1.7 oz of yuck

In order to get that bad taste out of my mouth and move things in a more positive direction, I’m giving you 3 energy bars that actually taste pretty good. Here they are:

MOJO

energy bars

You won’t be able to kick Dr. Evil’s ass just by eating this bar but it really is relatively healthy and comes in some awesome flavors. It’s crunchy and chewy at the same time and won’t melt in your pocket like other bars. It’s 70% organic and has a low glycemic index which means you won’t come crashing down after that workout. The taste is mild, not overwhelming. Think of this as a granola bar with gold rims and a 32-inch sub-woofer in the trunk.

OH YEAH!

energy bars

The name of this bar would be all you’d need to know if you were a half-witted idiot like the fools in Idiocracy whose faces start to glow with bliss when talking about the electrolyte content of Gatorade. If you’re not that stupid, you’ll have to bite into one and see for yourself. Behold the candy bar that’s not a candy bar and has 27 grams of protein and zero trans fat. It’s like a Snickers bar but healthier and a lot more money.

HONEY STINGER

energy bars

In 1954, beekeeper Ralph Gamber and his wife Luella embarked upon a journey that would one day end up being Honey Stinger. Pardon me if a little bit of saliva dribbles out of my mouth when I tell you about this one. It’s the best tasting one on the list by far. It’ll probably give you wet dreams if you’re like a food addict or something. The cool thing about it is that you can actually pronounce the short list of ingredients. Maybe this is what the Larabar was trying to be. It’s chewy, not too sweet and only takes up 1 ounce of space. I could literally eat 3-4 of these in one sitting. Soon I’m going to become their official spokesperson. If they need one.

Of course, aliens visiting earth for the first time might have difficulty differentiating energy bars from regular candy bars. You can explain it to them with the refrain “Yeah, but they have electrolytes.”