So you’re stranded on Mars. Your team has left the planet’s orbit, your shelter is only meant to withstand a month, you’re quickly running out of food. It’s a dire situation, and in such troubled circumstances, one question naturally runs through your mind: how am I going to get laid?

It’s a daunting task, to be sure. But human perseverance is a powerful force, and despite the odds, you must try to implement a plan. With few resources, zero pornography, and your closest wingman two hundred and fifty million miles away, you’ll have no choice but to science the shit out of this.

“You’ll have no choice but to science the shit out of this.”

The first step is to check your supplies. Fortunately, your team departed in a hurry and left behind a fair amount of tools and raw materials that you can use to your advantage. Take an inventory of what remains. Calling upon your expertise in the field, you may be able to jerry-rig some plastic molding, duct tape, and an old spacesuit into a crude blowup doll. This may provide some relief but is only a temporary solution.

With tenacity and a little luck, you may be able to find a defunct probe and rewire it so you can communicate with NASA. Once it’s up and running, the probe should have a camera attached to it and the capacity to rotate. By turning the camera to face a sheet of paper with letters on it, the NASA team should be able to send you some erotica, letter by agonizing letter. The camera on the probe also gives you the chance to send back all the grainy, black and white dick pics you want. While this is better than nothing, it’s still not enough to survive on.

To truly overcome blue balls on the Red Planet, you must get out of your enclosure and begin an exploration of the Martian surface. There is still much about the planet that remains a mystery. To paraphrase noted astrophysicist David Bowie, is there dating life on Mars?

Let’s find out. As with any night out, you’re going to want to look your best. Luckily the intensive rationing of food has gotten you that trim figure you’ve always wanted. Clean that dust off your face and dress in your crispest space suit. Wash your rover until it sparkles – ladies love a kick-ass vehicle, and Martian babes are no exception.

Now you’re ready to paint the town red – or at least redder. But there are still numerous obstacles in your path. For one thing, this planet doesn’t have much going on in terms of entertainment. Despite what you’ve heard about Mars Bars, the club scene is essentially non-existent. There are also very few movies available and, apart from some disco tunes, little in the way of music. As they say, nothing ever happens on Mars. The best you can hope for is to park your rover and stare up at Phobos and Deimos: not exactly an ideal date night.

“Despite what you’ve heard about Mars Bars, the club scene is essentially non-existent.”

With so few date options, you’ll be forced to survive on your charm alone. Keeping this in mind, it’s a good idea to bone up on Martian culture as much as possible so you’ll have some interesting things to say. Be smooth and self-assured, don’t put your foot in your mouth by saying “Bleep blorp,” when you mean “Gleep glop.” Embarrassing.

Another challenge is the lack of eligible Martian honeys. We know that Mars Needs Moms, so your MILF hunting fantasies stand little to no chance of being borne out. And while there have been reports of little green men coming out of Mars for years, we’ve heard very little about the little green women. Women are from Venus, in fact, so the pickings are likely to be slim. Luckily, if Marvin is any indication, Martian males are little more than a black circle with eyeballs and a green helmet with a brush on it: not exactly catnip to the ladies. On the other hand, you’ll want to steer clear of hunky Mars travellers like John Carter.

It’s important to be prepared. Don’t forget that the Martians who came to Earth in War Of The Worlds all died from diseases, so potential partners will be understandably skittish about unprotected sex. Whether you’re engaging in kinky role-playing or just simply humping in the Martian-ary position, wrap yourself up tight before launching your rocket into orbit. Besides, prolonged exposure to the Martian atmosphere is deadly, so you’ll be glad you did.

As with any dating excursion, confidence is key. You can take heart in the knowledge that liquid water has recently been found on the surface of Mars, meaning that it is possible for Martians to get wet. And while Mars has about half the mass of Earth, remember that size doesn’t matter.

You are now as prepared as you’re ever going to be. Despite that, I guarantee you that at some point, everything’s going to go south on you. You’re going to say, this is it, this is how I end. And you can either accept that, or you can get to work getting busy. Good luck. Godspeed. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and if you do, name it after me.