We all have some weird little thing we believe in that can’t be backed up by facts or science, be it a lucky pair of underwear, our horoscope, or God. The following conspiracy theories go far beyond that scope and plant their flags firmly in the heart of tinfoil hat territory. Attach a rope to the outside world to help pull yourself out in case you get sucked into these black holes of stupid.
The Denver Airport Is a Satanic Mecca
If you’ve been through the Denver Airport, you probably remember the efficient, clean terminals and the artistic rooftop architecture evoking the Rocky Mountains. What you probably don’t remember is Satanic blood rituals.
While nobody has ever actually seen such ordeals with their own two eyes, many claim that this travel hub is, in fact, an international nexus of Satanists, Illuminati, and Neo-Nazis. The proof lies in the demon horse statue in front of the airport (that admittedly could work as any metal album cover) and the fact that an aerial view of the airport sorrrrta looks like a swastika. If you squint. And don’t know what a swastika looks like.
The Moon is Fake
Even before Georges Méliès shot a bullet rocket into the moon’s eye, morons have doubted the authenticity of our celestial companion. A recent theory, disregarding millennia of evidence to the contrary, posits that our friend Luna is really just an HD projection. While nobody has ever been able to point out what the image is being projected onto or where the projection is coming from, this doesn’t stop imbeciles from claiming they’ve seen lens flares, distortions, and other glitches that would seem to warrant a visit from the lunar AV club.
And Nazis Lived On It
For all the evil Nazis perpetrated on the world, at least we now have an endless supply of bad guys for every video game, movie, and conspiracy theory. Although real life Nazis in WWII certainly were toying around with rocket programs and kooky aircraft, they never actually left Earth’s atmosphere.
Of course, that doesn’t stop conspiracy theorists from saying they made it to the moon in 1945 only to set up a base in a crater and emblazon it with an enormous swastika. Some nuts take the theory to the finish line and claim that Hitler even made it up there and we only saw the body of a decoy in his bunker.
The Middle Ages Never Happened
Historians agree that we collectively lost quite a bit of accrued knowledge in the period known as the middle ages, but did we also lose time? No, of course not. But according to German historian Heribert Illig, some popes and a Byzantine emperor conspired to retcon history and add a bunch of fake years to the calendar all in order to make Charlemagne seem like a hero.
As exciting as it would be to find out we’re actually living in the 1700s, there’s a whole host of astronomical, archaeological, and isotopic evidence to the contrary.
Obama Controls the Weather
I’ll give these theorists credit and acknowledge that they don’t think Obama is like Storm from the X-men and creating tornadoes via some mutation. No, these loons think he has some secret device that creates natural disasters at will, even going so far as creating Hurricane Sandy, which killed US citizens, in order to shore up support and win his second election.
While no theorists have ever pinned down exactly how Obama is able to enact this Godlike power, they all seem to agree it has to do with the HAARP program, a US Air Force and Navy collaboration that does research experiments in the ionosphere which is where a majority of GPS communication activity transpires. But that’s obviously all just a cover for Obama to cause heavy rain during an RNC convention.
Michelle Obama Has a Dick
We all can agree that Michelle Obama has upper arm strength that would give many dudes a run for their money, but most of us stop there without taking it to the illogical conclusion that she also has a penis.
The poor Obama family is constantly under fire, but one of the most outlandish theories is this one about Michelle secretly being a man. With flimsy-as-all-hell evidence to her manhood like noting that she has “mannish features” or claiming (falsely) that there are no pictures of her pregnant, these conspiracy theorists do a great job of covering both the creepy AND crazy bases as they highlight potential crotch bulges (i.e. folds of fabric) on every pic of the first lady. Hang in there, Michelle. You just have to deal with this for one more year.
Reptilians and the New World Order
The poster child for conspiracy theorists has to be former pro soccer star and all around British C-List celeb David Icke. While Icke has a tendril in just about every loopy belief and theory out there, from the healing power of turquoise to his own status as the messiah, he might best be known for the promulgation of the theories of the New World Order and the ruling class of lizard people.
If you’re unfamiliar with the New World Order (NWO) outside of the world of professional wrestling, it’s basically just the belief that there’s a cabal of global superpowers meeting in secret and planning to unify the world into one authoritarian superpower. While on the surface, this makes absolutely no sense, when you look closer, it somehow makes even less sense.
The spin Icke adds to the NWO is the introduction of trans-dimensional shapeshifting Reptoids from the Draco constellation. He backs this up with absolutely fuck all and, frankly, the hodgepodge of super powers with which Icke imbues these creatures shows a real lack of restraint from a storytelling standpoint.